


Even if you find me, will you be able to save me from myself? (Sequel to Al, what are you hiding?)

by Xbertyx



Series: Al what are you hiding related works. [3]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anorexia, Anorexia - purge subtype, Cutting, F/F, F/M, Female Alois Trancy, Female Luka Macken, Gang Rape?, M/M, Memories, Pain, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychosis, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-09-10
Packaged: 2018-04-18 03:34:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 31
Words: 31,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4690601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xbertyx/pseuds/Xbertyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alan's disappeared. Will Eric be able to find him before he ends up in the hospital again, or worse, dead? Chapter one is just a entry chap. </p><p>Rape and violence from chapter two onwards. You should know me well enough by now to expect such things.</p><p>Part three:</p><p>
  <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/4767128/chapters/10901735">Elan sequel two chap one</a>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Searching book stores.

 Eric had searched in the pouring rain for the rest of the day. Searched the street where Alan’s house once stood. Searched the centre of the city, the book store and even the entire cemetery.

 Worry etched across his features and churned his gut. He shouldn’t have shouted at Alan. He was clearly ill and Eric had taken his frustrations out on him. He may have been the source but still, it hadn't been a wise move. Now Alan was out there somewhere, no doubt soaked to the bone and all alone. He wasn’t well enough mentality to be on his own.

 Eric rushed to his final destination, Luna’s house, hoping that maybe Alan had gone there to cool off. He knocked on the door and Luna answered. Her words made Eric’s hope shatter. “Hey Eric! Wait, isn’t Alan with you?”


	2. Get on top.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger***  
> Rape scene x 2.

 Alan had been slightly surprised that Jacob still lived there. That he hadn’t died of his drug abuse yet or been arrested for forcing desperate youths into prostitution. What happened in the backstreets obviously stayed hidden there.

 Jacob had told Alan that he was sorry for beating him so badly the last time they had met. Alan knew that those words were lies. He wasn’t sorry at all. Alan also knew that within an hour or so, a day tops, Jacob would stop being nice to him. Not that it mattered. He came here because the voices told him to. He deserved to be hurt and hurt he knew he would be.

 Jacob was quicker in his actions this time, grabbing the boy by his sodden jumper and pulling him inside of the house. He locked the door behind him, before grabbing him again and pulling him into a harsh kiss. His tongue pushed between Alan’s slightly parted lips almost instantly. He tasted just as Alan remembered, of stale smoke.

 Alan was soon dragged upstairs to the bedroom and pushed down on musky smelling sheets. The older man smirked down at him. “I really have missed you. All the other boys I have brought here weren’t nearly as popular amongst clients. Their income didn’t make up for the food they ate, so I had to throw them out. I’m so glad that you are back. Are you homeless again?”

 “Y … yes.” Alan lied, though it didn’t feel far from the truth. Sure, he had a dorm room but he wasn’t welcome there. Eric didn’t want him anymore.

 His clothes were soon torn from him and his legs pushed apart, before wet, dirty fingers were pushed into him. It hurt but that was what he had expected. It was the punishment that the voices had told him he had earned.

 Jacob added a third, preparing him quickly. He then pulled his trousers and underwear down, getting back onto the bed. “Get on top.” Alan knew he wasn’t doing it to let Alan take charge. No, it was just to degrade him further. To make him feel like a whore, just like the voices said he was. It wasn't the first time Jacob had made him do this.

 Alan moved on top of him, wriggling back slightly. Jacob grabbed his hips, as Alan felt him pressing against his entrance. Alan whimpered, Jacob pulling him down onto him. It hurt, just like he remembered. “That’s it. Now fuck yourself. Look at me and fuck yourself on my dick.”

 Alan’s eyes remained fixed on Jacob’s chest as he began to move on top of him. He felt disgusting but that didn’t matter. He was a disgusting person after all. They told him so. “I said look at me. You don’t want to make me sad, do you?”

 Alan moved his gaze to Jacob’s own and the older man smirked again. “See you like it, don’t you? Such a pretty thing.” He thrust up powerfully, making Alan yelp. His motions continued and Alan felt sick, not even being aroused in the slightest. Not until he was rammed in his spot and he moaned loudly, his legs clenching around Jacob’s waist.

 Jacob continued to be just as rough with him, until Alan felt him soften inside and he was pushed off onto the bed covers. Jacob sat up to look him over, seeing the huge scars on the inside of his arms. “You’re even more marked than last time. What a shame. Looks like I won’t even make a tenner on you anymore. Never mind, you were quite popular before and I’m sure you will be again. I’ll have to alert Joseph of your return. I know that he was quite fond of you.”

Alan began to tremble at the mention of that man’s name. He always had been so cruel.

 

\---------

***Eric***

 Eric walked into Luna’s house. “So where is Alan?”

 “I dunno’. I tried to find him but couldn’t. He ran off somewhere. I dunno’ where.”

 “Why did he run off in the first place?”

 “We kinda’ had an argument.” Eric eyed the floor.

 “Oh. Why? Wait … that scratch on your face. He did that, didn’t he?”

 “Yeah. I … well, I got mad at him for bein’ in a mood wi’ me ever since we got here.”

 Luna sighed. “It’s my fault really. I shouldn’t have asked him to come here in the first place. I should have known how badly it would affect him. I just wanted to see him so badly. He’s my best friend. So where did you check?”

 “Erm … cemetery, his old street, book store, middle of tha’ city and then here.”

 “Did you see if he was back at the hotel room?”

 “I doubt he would be. He doesn’t have the swipe card for tha’ room.”

 “I see. Have you tried to ring him?”

 “He won’t answer. Think he left his phone at tha’ hotel.”

 Luna pondered for a second, before speaking again. “We should go check the hotel room, just in case. Then try and search some more. You might have just missed him when you looked.”

 “Alright. We’ll try tha’.”

 They went to the hotel but didn’t find Alan. Neither did their search pay off when they went back to the obvious places Alan might be.

 

\------

***That night. Alan***

 A scream rang out through the living room of the dingy house. “Stop … it … it hurts.”

 Joseph looked up at him from his position between Alan’s legs, a wide grin on his face. “I don’t think so somehow. You came back here, did you not? You want this.”

 The voices swirled in his head, calling him a slut and a whore, telling him that this is what happened to filthy people like him. Alan stopped with his pleas, a few agonised tears falling, running down the sides of his face from under his glasses. Another scream was pulled from him, as Joseph pummelled him harder. Alan was sure that he was bleeding by now.

 It wasn’t like the incident with Ciel. No one would be able to find him this time, even If they wanted to. No one knew where Jacob’s house was located.

 

\-----

***Eric***

 As ten pm came into view, Luna made a decision. “We need to phone the police.”

 “But we can’t file a missin’ persons report for 24 hours.” Eric stated solemnly.

 “We can at least try.” She picked up her phone and dialled 999.


	3. Chair play.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger again*

***Alan***

 Morning came and the violence began. Big bruises appeared quickly after Alan was struck. Cigarette burns marked the skin of Alan’s body, his legs, arms and stomach. Alan had no idea what he had done to anger Jacob, which had always been the case. The voices just told him that vermin like him got hurt in this way. It was that simple. The voices had told him the night before that they would leave him alone now that he would end up dead by Jacob’s hands, which is what they had wanted. They had lied.

 Alan knelt up, hands pressed against the floor as he trembled in pain. Jacob stood in front of him, pulling his underwear down and kicking them off. “Suck me off, unless you want broken bones to go along with those bruises.”

 Without a word, Alan lifted up further onto his knees, hand wrapping around the base of Jacob’s member. He took him into his mouth straight away and Jacob grabbed his cropped hair, forcing himself down Alan’s throat. His eyes began to water, his throat sore. It hadn’t been the first time in less than 24 hours that he’d been made to do this. Course pubic hair rubbed against the skin of his face, as Jacob began to thrust harshly into his mouth.

 “Look at me.” He ordered and Alan complied, not wanting to face another beating. No matter how much he believed he deserved the violent outbursts, it didn’t take away how much he hated how painful they were.

 Jacob smirked down at him, delighting in the pain Alan’s eyes portrayed. Loving that he could see his cock sliding between those soft lips. After a few minutes, he released into Alan’s mouth, making him gag slightly as the salty liquid hit the back of his throat.

 Jacob pulled away. “Now get on all fours.”

 

\-----

***Eric***

 Eric had been right. They couldn’t file a missing person’s report until that morning. Therefore they had gone out again late the previous night but were still unable to locate Alan.

 They left the police station around 11am that morning, hoping that the police would be able to find him. A missing person’s report had been filed and after Eric explained what Alan had been previously diagnosed with, he had been made a top priority.

 They went home to get an early lunch, before going out again to look for Alan.

 

\-----

***Alan. Later that day***

 Joseph had arrived five minutes before, with a friend of his that Alan had never seen before. The man was soon named as Ashley and he had brought a large bag with him. Ashley opened the bag, pulling various items from it, much to Alan’s horror. Not like he could do anything, Jacob had tied his hands behind his back before Joseph had gotten there. Jacob had said that it had been a special request for him to do so.

 Alan was lying on his side on the dirty carpeted floor. A whip, collar and a large dildo were placed on the floor in front of his face. A pathetic sob echoed through the room, as he was turned onto his stomach. Joseph grabbed his hips and pulled them up, before violating him again. The thin boy shrieked in pain, which just made Joseph grunt in pleasure and ram into him harder. His hand moved to grab hold of Alan, forcing him into hardness. Ashley watched the scene play out, hand down his boxers.

 Once Joseph was done with him, he was pulled up onto his feet and over to a chair. Ashley took the dildo with him, placing the base of it onto the chair seat. Alan was forced to sink down onto it, the thickness of the item sending ripples of agony coursing through him, as it stretched him beyond his limits. He was then made to suck Ashley off, once he had been whipped mercilessly.

 He was then made to repeat the process, this time with Joseph inside of him. His throat burned, as did his insides, tears staining his cheeks. The two rapists revelled in the sound of Alan’s muffled screams, Ashley choking him slightly with his member. Alan lost track of the amount of times he was brutalised, until the pain got so intense that he lost consciousness.

 

\-----

***Eric***

 Eric heard a gasp from behind him and turned around to frown at Luna. “Wha’ is it?”

 Luna bit her lip and then spoke. “I just had a troubling thought.”

 “Wha’?”

 “What if Alan can’t be found because he’s gone back to Jacob’s?”

 Eric’s frown deepened. “Tha’ makes no sense. Why tha’ hell would he go back there, after wha’ happened last time? That’s jus’ askin’ for trouble.”

 “Well was Alan in sound mind when he left the hotel?”

 “No … he wasn’t. He didn’t seem wi’ it at all.”

 “Exactly and he hasn’t been acting right since he got here, correct?”

 “Yeah that’s right. So you think he’s there? Do ya’ know where Jacob’s house is?”

 Luna gazed at the floor. “Not a clue. Sorry.”

 “Didn’t he tell ya’ anythin’ ‘bout it?”

 “He might have … I’m trying to wrack my brains for what he might have said.”

 “Well think harder!” Eric snapped.

 “I know! I know … I’m trying!”

 

\------

***Alan***

 Alan came back into consciousness, just as Joseph and Ashley were leaving. Jacob had then told Alan to clean himself up, stating “I’m afraid you have another customer after Joseph today. I don’t like people seeing you with blood between your legs. It’s a real turn off. That’s why I normally give you a break after he comes over but money must be made.”

 Once again Alan now found himself unable to move, Jacob having forced him to swallow a cocktail of date rape drugs. An old man was moving inside of him, as he lay limp on his back. Once the deed was done and the money paid, the man left and Alan was scooped up in Jacob’s arm. “I love you, you know that right?”

 Alan couldn’t reply but with that, he felt his sanity slip even more. Everyone who claimed to love him either hurt him or got tired of him and left. Eric had wanted to end their relationship again, he had hinted at such.

 

\-----

***That night. Eric.***

 “I remember something!” Luna exclaimed.

 “Wha’?” Eric asked, his hope beginning to rise again.

 “Alan mentioned something about a club. A strip club that Jacob used to bring men from to visit him.”

 “Okay … wha’ was it called?”

 Luna’s face fell. “Shit … I can’t remember. The Hotpole … no that wasn’t it.”

 “Well hurry up and figure it out. If we can find Jacob, we might be able to find Al.”


	4. A gentle stranger.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger**

 Alan had been at Jacobs now for three days and he was traumatised beyond belief. Jacob and Joseph had been even more brutal with him than last time, more so than he believed was possible. He hadn’t uttered a word in those few days, the only thing heard from him being sobs and screams.

 Joseph hadn’t come over the previous day, though Alan didn’t know why. Maybe it was to fact that he had passed out again and Joseph didn’t enjoy it so much if the boy wasn’t awake and shrieking.

 Alan was currently on his back, a man who looked to be in his late twenties trailing soft kisses across his bruised collar bones. The man had looked at him with sadness in his eyes when he saw the scars lining Alan’s body.

 The man slip down his body slightly, sucking on his nipple, fingers rubbing the other. He shifted lower, opening Alan’s legs further and pressing his lips gently to the inside of his thighs. A small moan came from Alan, as a kiss was planted on a sensitive spot of skin.

 It could almost be seen as nice, if only he wasn’t being made to be a sex slave to this man. Still, he was being kind? Maybe and if so, Alan couldn’t fathom the idea. The voices had made him believe by now that he didn’t deserve kindness. They were screaming that in his head at that moment, deafening him.

 The man coated his fingers in lube, preparing him gently. Alan bit his lip. It still hurt, even with the man’s soft motions. He was extremely sore from Joseph’s previous actions. The man slid a condom on; the only man with enough sense to use protection, before pushing into him. Alan’s teeth dug into his lip deeper, his insides beginning to hurt more. After a while, his prostate was hit and another moan slipped from him.

 The man came, before changing the condom and starting again. It wasn’t until the third entry that Alan let out a cry of pain and the man stopped to look at him. “Has it started hurting?” Alan nodded. “Do you want me to stop?” Alan looked at him, not sure that he had heard the man correctly. “Please answer me. Do you wish me to stop?” Alan nodded again and the man pulled out. “You should have told me sooner if it was painful.” Alan felt his stomach churn, unsure if the man was angry with him. Unsure of whether he would be hit or kicked.

 The man did no such thing, instead getting dressed. He paid his money and left. Jacob walked over to Alan, stomping a foot down on his stomach. “Why did you do that!? You could have made more money if you hadn’t of let him know that it hurt! Stupid brat!” Alan just stared at him, pleading without words for Jacob to have mercy on him.

 

\------

***Eric***

 The police hadn’t found Alan yet and searching their databases for a Jacob who had been arrested for violence or drug charges in the past had been useless. They had found a couple of people matching those criteria but on going to their houses, they had found noting. Eric was beginning to wonder if ‘Jacob’ had been an alias all along.

 He had been staying at Luna’s house ever since booking out of the hotel, the two going out searching every moment they got, while Luna tried to remember anything of use.

 As they were eating dinner in the living room, Luna shot to her feet. “I remember!” Her tray crashed to the floor and her mother shot her an annoyed look. “Oh crap! I didn’t mean to do that. I remember the name of the club though!”

 “Wha’ is it called?!” Eric asked. Finally they might have a shot at getting Alan back safely. At least he hoped so.

 “Neon cactus. Okay I was way off with The Hotpole but I’m sure that’s the name. It’s a male strip club.”

 “Ya’ absolutely sure ‘bout tha’?”

 “Well Alan was sedated at the hospital the second time I visited him there but that’s what he said. I just hope he was telling me the truth.”

 “Well it’s a start. Better than wha’ tha’ police ‘ave managed ta’ find.”

 Luna moved to pick up her tray. “Now we just need a plan.”

 

\-----

***Alan***

 Alan was lying in a heap on the floor, having been beaten harshly by Jacob. He’d been kicked, punched and slashed across his shoulder with a knife. At one point, he was sure Jacob was going to kill him right there, when he wrapped his hands around Alan’s thin neck. He hadn’t died but had simply passed out instead.

 He was still dazed when Jacob began to rape him again. “You have another client in an hour or so. If you dare complain and lose me money this time, I will kill you.”


	5. Braids.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to skip the big Alan chunk in the middle. It's pretty brutal. Last but one chap of this awfulness at least.

 The next morning, Eric and Luna had thought up a plan. They would go to the strip club from when it opened at 8pm until it shut at 2am. He would pretend to be a customer there, while trying to find out any information on Jacob.

 There was no point in talking to the police about the strip club. They had no idea if Jacob would even be there and didn't know what he looked like. Plus Luna stated that if any of Jacob's friends saw the police lurking around the club they would surely inform him and the two would never find Alan if that happened.

 "And if you find Jacob, pretend to want to be a client."

 Eric frowned at her. "That's sick. Why would I wanna' do tha'?"

"I know it's sick. That's why I said pretend. That way you'll be able to find out where he lives. Then we can inform the police and get Alan back safely."

"But Jacob will expect me ta' ... ya' know. Plus if Alan is there I won't be able ta' keep calm. I'll batter tha' Bastard."

 Luna grinned. "That could work too."

 

\-----  
***Alan***

 Alan sat up shakily in bed. His whole body ached from the beating he had received the day before. Jacob handed him a glass of water. "Drink up. You'll need it. You'll be sweating today." Alan nodded but didn't speak, as he took the water and drank.  
\---  
 Later that day Joseph arrived at Jacob's house. He picked up a heavy wooden chair from the boot of his car. It had a hole cut into the seat and cuffs attached to the arms and legs, as well as a strap across the seat.

 "Ashley wants that little slut to try his new toy. Grab that fucking machine for me, would you?"

 Jacob smirked at him. "So that's what you meant when you phoned to say Alan would be in for vigorous activity."

"Indeed."

 "Well it's a slow day today. No other clients. You can take him for as long as you want. If you can afford it."

 "How much?"

 "£30."

 "Sounds fair."

 They walked into the house to find Alan waiting for them on the living room sofa, knees curled up into his chest. He had the collar around his neck, which Jacob had forced him to wear on Joseph's request.

 Alan didn't look up at them when they walked in, instead staring at his arms. Joseph set up the chair and fucking machine, then moved over to Alan. He grabbed the lead to the collar and dragged him onto the floor. Alan whimpered as his bum hit the ground.

 "Get on your feet." Joseph ordered, tugging the lead sharply to emphasise his point. Alan scrambled to his feet, before Jacob got mad at him again.

 He was pulled by the lead over to the chair and pushed down onto it. The dildo of the fucking machine pressed up into him through the hole in the seat and he yelped. Joseph quickly cuffed his wrists and ankles, pulling the strap across the top of his thighs and fixing it to the other side of the chair. "That'll keep you right where I want you."

 Alan wriggled about, trying and failing to adjust to the intrusion, breath coming out in short gasps from the pain.

 Joseph pulled a cock ring from his pocket, hand moving to stroke Alan into hardness. He then slid the ring on, turning on the vibration setting. Bending down he switched the machine on. It began to slid in and out of Alan slowly. The small teenager began to cry; it was thick and moved up into him way too deeply.

 Joseph switched the setting up some and Alan gasped, before screaming loudly as the dildo pounded into him. Joseph moved away to take a seat on the sofa next to Jacob.

 They both watched in delight as Alan began to sob and moan, the machine hitting his spot with almost every thrust. His body jerked against his bindings as the motions became too intense for him, his insides already beginning to feel chaffed and raw.

 His previous silence turned to pleads and shouts. It didn't matter what the voices said, this was too much agony for him to handle. The cock ring only added to his misery, the pressure in his stomach increasing as the seconds ticked by. "Ah ... shit! Make it stop! Please ... just make it stop!"

 Joseph pulled his phone out and began recording the scene in front of him. "Ashley wouldn't want to miss seeing this."

 "When is he coming over?" Jacob asked.

 "He isn't today. He's too busy dropping off weed to his customers. He'll be over tomorow."

 "Well if he's seeing this too, he best pay up."

 "I knew you'd say that."

 After recording for a while longer, Joseph sent the video and walked over to Alan. His trousers and underwear were quickly discarded on the floor. He moved his crotch in front of Alan's tear stained face. "Suck."

 Alan shook his head. He already felt sick from the pain, without having to taste salty cum again. "Please ... no. Just ... Make it stop. It ... hurts too much!"

 Joseph scowled at him, before slapping him sharply across the face. "Don't you dare talk back go me, you little slut. You know you're enjoying it, with how much noise your making." He paused to bend under the chair, before speaking again. "Oh, silly me. I didn't turn this all the way up."

 "No ... Please ... don't! I-" A squeal pierced the air, as the machine's power was increased. Jacob tangled his fingers in the teenager's hair, dragging his head down slightly. As Alan screamed again, Joseph's member was crammed into his mouth.

 The man looked down at him, seeing the tears and snot running down his face. Being able to see the state he had caused Alan to be in just turned him on more. He thrust deeply into Alan's mouth for a while, his orgasm approaching.

 The cock ring was pulled from him and he moaned around Joseph as he climaxed.

 Salty liquid hit the back of his throat and the man pulled away from him. The taste made his nausea worse and he heaved, bile coming from him and dripping down his chin.

 "Such a filthy little whore." Joseph rubbed Alan back into hardness and then slid the cock ring back on.

 He took out his phone again, as the boy thrashed about on the chair, loud cries and dry heaves coming from him. Alan felt humiliated, being exposed and recorded for the world to see. The voices were right. He was just a slut. That's all people ever saw him as.

 The process continued until Alan finally passed out, over two hours after it began. His insides were torn, blood staining the dildo. He woke back up again when Jacob threw a cup of cold water in his face.

 The rest of the day was spent in a painful daze, Joseph slapping him with the whip Ashley had left in the house, before raping him again on the floor. He would bite down on the boy's nipples and squeeze his balls painfully in between the sessions.

 The only breaks Alan got that day was when he would faint, until he came around again and Joseph would continue with the abuse.

 

\-----  
***Eric***

 "Come on, let me braid your hair for you. It's a mess!"

 Eric looked at her, having just gotten changed for his visit to the strip club. "Because I haven't had time ta' braid it properly after a shower. We've had more important issues than tha'!"

 "I know that but you have to look sharp for tonight. If Jacob thinks you have a lot of money, he will surely approach you. Let me braid it. Can't have you looking scruffy."

 Eric sighed. "Even if I say no, you'll still do it anyway, won't ya'?"

"Yep."

 Eric undid his braids and sat next to Luna on the sofa. "Your hair is really thick." She said, as she worked on the brown section of Eric's hair. After a while, she stopped to grin at him. "All done!"

 He moved to check them in the mirror. "Nice job ya' did there. Now let's ge' goin'."

 They entered the strip club twenty minutes later. It was a sleazy dive in a dark street, most of the street lamps having fallen into disrepair.

 They took their seats at the bar and Eric ordered a beer. He was going to need it.

 

\----  
***Alan that night.***

 Alan was trembling against Jacob's chest under the dirty bed sheets, tears still streaming down his face. "Do you want something to eat? I don't want you fainting again tomorow." Alan shook his head, crying harder. "Okay. I love you. You did well today. Enough to earn me a score."

 "Can ... I have ... a cuddle?" Alan asked timidly. He needed some sort of small comfort right now, even if it wasn't from Eric.

 "I have something better for you. It'll make you stop blubbering. I suppose I can spare some, saying how hard you worked today." He moved from under the covers.

 Returning a few minutes later, he pulled Alan's arm out into view and tied a strip of material around it. Alan bit down on the top hem of the bed sheet, as a needle was pressed into his arm. The rush was almost immediate, the Heroin surging through his system.

 Jacob did the same, before getting back in bed and pulling Alan close to him.

 

\----  
***Eric***

 Early morning came and the two left the club feeling defeated. No sign of anyone called Jacob and no information about such a person had been found.


	6. You're dead!

***Alan***

 Alan woke up to pain in his bottom half. He opened his eyes to find himself flat against the bedsheets, face pressed into the pillow. It took a moment for him to realise what was happening. Jacob was doing THAT to him while he was asleep?

 He pressed his head further into the pillow, trying to block out the present moment. He was still so sore from yesterday.

 Once Jacob had pulled out, Alan rolled onto his back. His whole body felt heavy, his head pounding. Then he remembered what had happened the previous night. This is what a come down must feel like.

 Jacob eyed him. "Good morning. You have a busy day today. Ashley is bringing friends around." Dread filled Alan, knowing that he was due more harsh abuse later.

\---

 Later came and Alan found himself sitting on Joseph's lap on a regular chair, the man ramming up into him. Ashley had his member in his mouth, making his throat feel even rawer. Two other men were at the either side of the chair.

 The others pulled Alan's arms up, making him wrap his hands around them. Hands on top of his, they stroked their members up and down, until they ordered him to carry on on his own.

 A few tears slipped down his face as he complied, eyes closing. He didn't want to see what they were making him do. It just made me feel like more of a wretch.

 Joseph's one hand moved from Alan's hip up his chest to his nipple, where he twisted it sharply, his thrusts getting more powerful. A weak, muffled cry left Alan. His body felt so tired and he didn't know if it was from being punished in this way for days or whether it was the after effects of the Heroin.

\---

 The next few hours carried on in much the same way, the four men moving positions. Eventually only he and Joseph remained. He ending up being thrown to the floor, Joseph pressing his knee into his back. The man increased the pressure, loving the way Alan's bones cracked slightly under him.

 Moving away, he retrieved other items that Ashley had brought to the house. Alan's wrists were handcuffed behind his back, a blindfold covering his eyes once his glasses had been pulled away.

 He was flipped onto his back, a ball gag being pushed into his mouth. Joseph grabbed him roughly, forcing him into arousal. Something tight and cold was clamped around the top of his balls and he was then tossed into his front again.

 That's when he felt something large being pressed into him. His body began to shake from the agony shooting up his back, as the giant ribbed dildo was shoved all the way in. The next few hours were the worst he had experienced since coming to that house.

\----

 

****Eric****

 It had now been eight days since Alan had gone missing. The police hadn't found any clues to where he may be and spending nights at the seedy stripper club hadn't helped their search at all. Still, it was the only hope Luna and Eric had, so they continued to visit there every night.

 On the morning of the 9th day, Eric's phone rang. He picked it up to here Ronald's voice on the other end.

 "Hey mate. Where are y'? Classes started two days ago and I haven't seen y' 'bout."

 "I'm still in Bradford."

 "Umm, why?"

 "Alan's gone missin'?"

 There was a pause before Ronald said "wha' happened? Missin'? Like properly missin'?"

 Once Eric had explained the situation, he could here the worry in Ronald's voice. "Shit. Anythin' I can do?"

 "No. We haven't been able ta' do anythin' of much use bein' here. Thanks for remindin' me 'bout classes though. I'll 'ave ta' phone Sebastian and Will. Let them know what's goin' on."

 "Well keep me updated, alright?"

 "Yeah I will. Bye." With that Eric ended the call and phoned the college. He explained the situation to his and Alan's teachers, who both understood and wished him well. William had said that Grell had already voiced her concern over Alan not being in class.

 With a sad sigh, Eric got ready to go out scouring the city with Luna again. Maybe today they would find something.

\----

 

***Alan 1.15pm***

 The past few days had been awful. Alan couldn't count the amount of times he'd fainted. Some of his old abusers from two years ago had returned and he found himself either being drugged up or made to drink alcohol at regular intervals.

 A sharp punch was aimed at Alan's stomach and he fell to his knees. Jacob was high again and obviously enraged by something. Something that Alan had done, whatever that was.

 Bruises appeared up Alan's arms and legs as he was beaten more. His bare form scooted up against the wall, blood smearing on the carpet from the abuse Joseph had put him through half an hour ago.

 Jacob kicked him more, before producing a knife. "You're dead, you little cunt!"

\----

 

***Eric. That night. ****

 Eric sipped at his cola. He didn't want it, his appetite having diminished in the past week. He was sure he'd lost some weight in that time, having barely eaten anything more than a bit of the dinner Luna's mom had prepared.

 The music of the club bounced against the walls, mingling amongst the cat calls coming from the stage where men stripped.

 It wasn't a high end club in the slightest and Eric had a feeling that most of the men working there became rent- boys after hours. A lot of the men looked to be drug addicts, though Eric wasn't sure.

 A man sat down at his side, greeting another man next to him. The two men's conversation caught Eric's attention straight away.


	7. The gentle man.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I changed the original idea for this slightly. Ty dance4thedead.

 From the first sentence, Eric listened intently.

 "Oh, Hey Jacob. Haven't seen you in a while. How are you?"

 "I'm fine. I just came with some interesting news."

 "What would that be?"

 "Do you remember the thin boy you used to love fucking a few years ago?"

 "The one who used to scream a lot? Yeah I remember him, he was a good fuck. Why?"

 "He's back. Would you be interested in him again? A fiver a session?"

 The second man grinned. "Hell yes. However, not tonight I'm afraid. My wife is already angry that I had to 'stay over at work', tomorow any good for you?"

 "Tomorow is fine but you'll have to come early, before Joseph gets his hands on him again. He really messed him up early. But then again, so did I." Eric clenched his fists under the table. If that was Alan they were talking about - he felt to angry to even think straight.

 "What did you do to him this time?"

 "Nothing really. He's still alive. He should consider himself lucky. The little tart."

 The other man finished his drink, before standing up. "Yes. He does get around with a lot of men. That's why I make sure to use protection. I'll see you tomorow around noon." With that he left.

 Eric carried on staring at the man in front of him. This was really Jacob? He was sure that Luna had been listening just as intently.

 The man turned around to face him. He had shoulder length blonde hair, stubble lining his face. His eyes were framed with dark circles and even in the low light of the club Eric could see track marks up his thin arms. Was this really the guy?

 The man spoke. "I see you were interested in what I was saying. Would you like a session?"

 Eric tried to come up with something convincing. "Depends on the guy. Is he hot?"

 "Not so much hot as pretty. One of my friends described him as a scared looking puppy. Big, terrified eyes and all that. Plus he's a tight little one, if you get him early on in the day at least. That your sort of thing?"

 Eric's anger rose at the man's words.  
"It might be. What's the guy's name?"

 "Why would you want to know that? I'm Jacob by the way. Nice to meet you." He extended his hand and shook Eric's. Eric could see how grimy his hands were. How dare this filth touch Alan. HIS Alan.

 Eric tried to think of something disgusting to say, to get Jacob to give him some more information. "I'd jus' like ta' know tha' name of tha' guy I'm gunna' rip in two. Problem?"

 "Not at all. Though I'm sure you could not hurt him any worse than my best friend already has. His name-." Jacob paused when his phone rang. He answered it. "Hello?" "Yes I've got your money, chill out!" "Fine, I'll be right there."

 He left quickly. Eric stood up, shaking with rage. "I'm gunna' fuckin' murder this Bastard!" He took quick steps away from the bar, intent on killing Jacob. That's when a hand was placed on his shoulder. He turned around to see who's hand it was.

 A man in his late twenties looked at him. "Do not mess with that man. He is very dangerous."

 "Like hell if I care!" Eric glared at him. "He's gunna' pay for what he's done!"

 "And what would that be?"

 "It doesn't matter. Nothin' ta' do wi' ya'!"

 The man smiled at him sadly. "I overheard the whole conversation. Is it something to do with that boy of his?"

 "He isn't that filthy Bastard's!

 "So you know that boy?"

 Eric suddenly felt very small, still not sure if Jacob was really talking about Alan. "Umm ... well I think it's him."

 "Is he special to you?"

 "He's my partner. If it is him - It has ta' be."

 "Maybe I can help you. I didn't think that the boy had anyone to care for him. It's nice to know that he might."

 "We're jus' goin' around in circles here. Tha' boy ya' talkin' 'bout, what's he look like?"

 The man thought for a second. "Small boy. Brown hair. Sound about right?"

 "Yeah ... it does. What else can ya' think of?" Eric began to think that Alan really was close by.

 "Glasses. Beautiful eyes. Erm ... badly scarred."

 "Yeah, Yeah. That's jus' like him! Wha' was his name?"

 "Alan. Such a sad, scared looking boy. I felt quite bad for him."

 "Alan ... thank God."

 "So it is your partner then?"

 "Yeah it is. Is ... he okay?"

 The man scratched his chin. "Not really. Poor boy looked frightened to death. In pain too. I'm ashamed that I went there a week or so ago."

 "Ya' fucked him!?" Eric moved forward to grip the man's shirt.

 "Yes. I tried to be gentle but he was already hurt. I ... was lonely. My boyfriend had just left me. I regret it now obviously. I'm quite sickened with myself."

 "So ya' fuckin' should be! Dirty Bastard!"

 "I know, I know. I have been thinking about him a lot actually. Thinking of phoning the police. If you want, I can take you to him?"

 Eric nodded. "Yeah. Please." He let go of the man. "I need ta' ge' someone first though." He walked back over to the bar to find Luna and the man followed. On seeing her, he sat back down next to her. "This guy here knows where Alan is. He's gunna' help us ge' him outta' Jacob's house."

 Luna looked shocked for a moment, before grinning. "Great! Let's go!"

 "Not yet." The man stated. "Jacob went to see his drug dealer I think. Wait half an hour and then we can go."

 "Yeah, you have a point." Luna stated.

\----

 That half an hour was a long and grueling wait but after that, the three headed out of the club. Eric was surprised by how close Jacob's house was to the it, a mere few streets away.

 Eric turned to Luna. "You stay out here for now."

 "But-."

 "I don't want ya' gettin' hurt. Al will never forgive me if ya' do."

 "Fine but you be careful too."

 Eric smiled at her. "He's the one who's gunna' ge' hurt. Not me. I'll message ya' as soon as I'm done beatin' tha' shit outta' him."  
He knocked on the door and after a while it was opened.

 Jacob smirked at the two men. "Ah. Paying cus-."

 His sentence was cut off when Eric landed a punch to his jaw. "Ya' fuckin' cunt!" Jacob staggered backwards and Eric followed, slamming him against a wall.

 He didn't see Jacob withdraw a knife until it was too late and he felt a sharp pain rip through his side, just under his rib cage.


	8. Stabbed in the gut.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Omg Edretheria (user who just left kudos.) I love your avatar. J Romantica is an epic show. Haha such love for that couple.

 The other man, James, had seen the knife being pulled from Jacob's coat and had yanked his arm away just in time.

 Eric staggered backwards, his palm pressing to the wound. He had been lucky. Jacob's hand had been pulled sideways, the knife slashing his side instead of plunging deeply into him as had been intended. He looked down, palm tilting away from his side to see blood coating the inside of his hand.

 He looked back up to see James still wrestling with Jacob. James kneed him in the stomach, managing to pry the knife away. Eric moved over to help him, winching slightly. His free hand punched Jacob in the face, before he grabbed a metal lamp from a cabinet in the hallway, smashing it over his head with as much force as he could muster. Jacob fell to the floor, unconscious, blood staining his blonde hair quickly around where the blow had been dealt.

"Get somethin' ta' tie him up wi'. I don't want tha' bastard gettin' back up." Eric said, through gritted teeth. He leaned on the cabinet, hand pressing firmly against his wound.

 "Are you okay?" James asked.

 "I'm fine. Jus' tie him up so we can find Alan."

 James moved into the living room, coming back quickly with handcuffs and a spreader bar in hand. "I found these."

 Eric looked at the items, his stomach churning. Had those things been used on Alan? "That'll do. Jus' hurry up before he wakes up." James quickly restrained him. "We gotta' go find Al." He stood back up straight, grunting in pain.

 "He wasn't in the living room I don't think. Do you need an ambulance?"

 "I'll be fine! Al is more important!"

\----

 They searched the house but didn't find Alan. "Ya' sure he wasn't in tha' living room?"

 "I mean I didn't see him but the restraints were on the floor as soon as I walked in. I didn't look around properly."

 Eric grunted a response and they headed to the living room. Alan didn't seem to be there, until they walked around the sofa, located in the middle of the room.

 There he was, spread out naked on the floor behind it. He wasn't making a sound, tears and snot streaking his face, his glasses cracked on one side.

 A large, fresh cut lined up his leg, adding to the one on his shoulder. His arms and legs were bruised badly, a few more bright purple against the pale skin of his stomach. Eric looked him over and to his dismay, a bruise was evident on his delicate area.

 He moved carefully onto his knees at Alan's side, James sitting at his other. "Alan. Are you okay? He asked.

 Alan shifted his gaze from the ceiling to James. "It ... it's you." He said hoarsely. "Why ... are you here? Did ... Jacob bring you here?" He shut his eyes. "Please ... just be gentle ... like last time. No one else ... was that nice to me."

 Eric felt his heart ache. James replied. "No, we came to get you out of here." He took his thick coat off, lying it over Alan's bottom half and stomach. "This house is freezing."

 Alan didn't open his eyes. "We?"

 "That's right buddy." Eric said. "I'm right here. Luna is outside too."

 Alan's eyes shot open and he stared at Eric, before gasping. "You ... you're hurt!" He sat up quickly, yelping at his own pain in his lower body.

 Eric smiled despite the throbbing in his side. "Na, Al. It's jus' a lil scratch."

 "Are ... you sure?"

 "I'm fine. Jus' so glad ta' see ya'. I'd go through a hell of a lot more ta' keep ya' safe."

 "But why? Why ... did you come here? I thought ... you hated me. You ... should hate me, I don't blame you."

 "I don't hate ya'. I was jus' upset. I didn't mean wha' I said." He noticed that Alan's eyes seemed glazed. "Did they drug ya' up again?"

 "No ... not today. I ... I'm-." Tears trickled down his face again and Eric realised that that was why his eyes had been glassy looking.

 "Shush babe. Don't cry. Everythin' is gunna' be alright." Both of his hands moved to Alan's cheeks on instinct, to wipe the tears away with his thumb. "Shit. Got blood on ya' face now. That's no better than tears." He half joked, pulling his sleeve up over his hand to wipe the blood away. "There. That's better."

 His one hand pressed to his side again, the other going to rub Alan's back. The boy flinched away. "Hey" Eric soothed "I'm not gunna' hurt ya'." Alan looked away.

 "We need to phone the police and then get an ambulance for you both." James stated, pulling his phone out from his trousers.

 "Yeah, thanks. Thanks for helpin' me find him. Shit. I need ta' text Luna." Eric grabbed his phone and text her. She was in the room in a few moments. Alan flinched away from her touch too.

 The police came shortly after James had explained the situation. They arrested Jacob as soon as they got there. James then phoned an ambulance. The police man told them that someone from the force would visit them in hospital later to question them.

 The ambulance arrived and took Alan and Eric to hospital. James offered Luna a ride there, as he hadn't actually been drinking that night. She thought about it for a moment, before accepting. He did seem like a nice man, no matter his brief encounters with Jacob.

 As the couple were driven to the hospital, Alan spoke again, his words breaking Eric's heart.

 "Eric?"

 "Yeah babe?"

 "Why did you ... bother to save me?"

 "Wha' sorta' question is tha'?" I love ya'. Nothin' would stop me from comin' ta' ya' aid."

 "You ... should have just let me die. It ... would have been easier that way. You'd be ... a lot happier without me ... dragging you down. You'd be better off without ... a whore like me. I'd be ... worth more dead."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A nasty dose of reality is delivered by the medical staff in the next chapter. Stay tuned.


	9. Pep

HIV. Eric just stared at the doctor in shock. He couldn't comprehend the words; the fact that Alan had been exposed to it. That he may have been infected.

\----

 On getting to the hospital, Eric had been taken to a separate room to be patched up, much to his dismay. He didn't want to leave Alan on this own. Not with what he had said in the ambulance.

 Eric's slash had been deep but not life threatening. James had probably saved his life tonight. If Jacob hadn't of taken that phone call, Eric would have gone into that house on his own and things may have ended very differently.

 After being tended to, he had met Luna and asked the female receptionist for details on where Alan was. She had been unwilling to offer any information, until Luna had explained that Alan had no family left and that there were the closest thing he had to family now.

 After a lot of waiting, they had been seen by the doctor. He explained that Alan had suffered sexual abuse plus psychical trauma to his body, including various bruises, two knife wounds and a broken collar bone. Hearing such things made Eric's blood boil. That was when the doctor had dropped THAT bombshell.

\---

 "But how?" Luna asked. It was question they both knew the answer to but she and Eric were in shock.

 The doctor eyed them sadly. "He was abused without any protection being used. He didn't tell me that but when asked about it, he shook his head. I also found two track marks on his arm and have no idea if the needles had already been used. Those two facts put him at risk for HIV."

 "Track ... marks?" She asked.

 "Yes. Mr Humphries nodded when asked if he thought he had been injected with Heroin on those two occasions."

 Eric's hands balled into fists, as Luna replied. "But ... he's not addicted, right?"

 "I'm sure now that he has been taken out of his previous situation he will be fine."

 "That's ... good. Won't a HIV test take ages though?"

 The doctor shook his head. "There have been many advances in testing for it. He will be able to take the test in a month. As for any other STI's, it is best to wait a week before testing."

 "But if he has HIV ... that's a death sentence." Eric whispered.

 "It is not anymore. Treatment for it has improved. People with the condition can now lead normal lives, with the correct medication. Please try not to worry too much about that until he has had the test. As for the mean time, we have tested him to see if he currently has HIV. Once the results are back, we can move forward. If he is currently negative we will prescribe him post-exposure prophylaxis, which will help reduce the risks of him contracting it now."

 "What's that?" Luna asked.

 "A treatment used for people recently exposed to HIV. It's a month long treatment but has been found to be quite effective."

 "That's good." Luna stated, while Eric just nodded weakly. "How ... is he doing?"

 "He is quite shaken up. Didn't speak a word during his assessment and treatment. Hopefully in time he will be fine." Luna nodded, glad that he wasn't lashing out at the medical staff like the last time he was admitted, after what had happened with Jacob. "Would you like to see him?"

 "Yeah ... Please." Eric answered.

 "I'll stay out here for now. I think you two should have some alone time." Luna stated. "I'll visit him later."

 "Ya' sure?"

 "Yeah. Being surrounded by people will probably just unnerve him more."

\---

 Eric entered the room to find Alan lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. Eric sat down on a chair at his bedside. "Well 'ave ta' ge' ya' a new pair of glasses." Eric joked, trying to cheer Alan up somehow.

 Alan didn't answer, flinching slightly at hearing Eric's voice. "Al. Are ya' alright?" Eric mentally cursed himself for the question. Of course Alan wasn't alright.

 Receiving no answer again, he sighed. " wha' ... wha' were ya' thinkin' goin' back there? Ya' had me and Luna worried sick. "Seriously, wha' were ya' thinkin'?" His voice began to crack.

 "I wasn't." Was Alan's simply reply. Before Eric could say anything, he spoke again. "You ... shouldn't have come to ... get me."

 "There was no way in hell I was leavin' ya' there. I care ... about ya' way too much for tha'. I love ya'. Ya' should know by now tha' I do."

 "No."

 Eric frowned. "No wha'?" No tha' ya' still don't think I love ya'?"

 "I wish you had."

 "Huh? Wha' are ya' goin' on 'bout? Had wha'?"

 "Left me there."

 "Why!?"

 Alan began to cry. "Because ... I went there knowing ... I'd probably end up dead."

 "Al-."

 "Don't ... you understand, Eric? I want ... to die. I can't ... stand myself. I can't stand being ... here anymore. I ... I'm not worth life."

 "Don't say stupid shit like tha'!"

 "It's the ... truth."

 "But I thought ya' wanted ta' be wi' me? Ya' can't do tha' if ya' dead!"

 Sobs mingled in with Alan's next sentence. "But ... you didn't want me. You said so. You ... were sick of my shit."

 "I told ya' tha' I didn't mean it." Eric reached out to hold Alan's hand in his, feeling even more upset when Alan tensed up.

 "It's ... true though. I don't deserve you."

 "That's not true! I want ya'. I love ya'. So much."

 Alan ignored his statement, as he broke down more. "Why ... won't I just die!? I've tried so many times to ... just make it all end. Why ... can't I just be dead already?! That's ... all I want. I just ... want to die. I ... just want peace. I ... can't live, being ... me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took so much time to research for this chap.


	10. He looks so broken. He's shattered.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr Black = Jacob.  
> Mr Allen = James. 
> 
> Thanks Dance4thedead for the last two paragraphs.

 Nothing Eric said had made Alan calm down. He repeated numerous times how he wished he was dead. How he didn't deserve to live. It made Eric's heart ache for him. He just wanted to help Alan so badly. Do something to put everything right, if only he could. If only he knew how.

 Luna took Eric's place in the room, moving to stand at the side of his bed. "Hey Chipmunk." She smiled softly at him.  
She received no answer. Alan spoke not a word to her in the hour she spent in the room.

\-------

 Luna went back outside, to talk to Eric in the hallway. "He's not doing so well, is he?"

 "No. Wha' did he say ta' ya'?" Eric replied.

 "Nothing."

 "Oh. I thought he would 'ave spoken ta' ya' at least."

 She eyed the ground. "No. He looks so ... broken."

 "I know." Eric had seen just how shattered he was. It was written all over his face. Pressed deep into wide eyes.

 "Did he speak to you?"

 "Yeah ..."

 "What did he say?"

 Eric sighed. "That he didn't want ta' be saved. Tha' he doesn't want ta' be alive."

 "I hope he doesnt mean that. I hope it's just because he's upset. I wish I knew how to help him."

 "So do I."

\--------

 Their conversation had been cut short, when the police had arrived. They had questioned Eric but hadn't been able to get any information out of Alan, who was now sitting upright in bed.

 "I know it is hard to discuss but we need to know what happened, if you wish to get him prosecuted for what he did to you." One officer stated.

 Alan gripped the covers sharply, shaking his head.

 The other officer addressed him. "Do not want to press charges, Mr Humphries?" Alan shook his head again.

 "But Al, wha' 'bout what he has done ta' ya?" Alan didn't answer. "Wha' if he does it ta' someone else?"

 "That will not be an issue. Mr Black will not be getting out of prison, with or without these charges against him."

 Luna looked at the office. "Why not?"

 "His finger prints match up to a murder in West Bromwich. He will go down down for that."

 "Where?" Luna asked.

 "Tha' Midlands. Their footie team is shit."

 Luna slapped Eric on the arm. "Trust you to think of football right now. Seriously, he's a murderer? That's awful." It dawned on the two friends how lucky they had been to get Alan out of that house alive.

 "What about Mr Allen?" The 2nd officer asked. "Would you like to press charges against him?"

 "No. I don't think Alan would want that either. He did some crappy things but he did help me to find him.

 "Very well. If you change your minds, please do not hesitate to phone us."

\----

 Eric had decided not to press charges against Jacob for trying to stab him. Going to court would just take him away from Alan and probably cause them both more stress. Eric was worried how it might affect Alan if he was to get involved with the case.

 Eric and Luna spent the night at her house, getting no sleep. They both wanted to get back to the hospital to see Alan as soon as opening hours started again.

\------

 The morning finally came and they headed back to the hospital. Alan's test results had come back. He'd been tested for Hepatitis C, due to the needles but was clean of that. He was also HIV negative. At least for now.

 The doctor explained that Alan would have to begin post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) drugs straight away. If he had been exposed to HIV from the beginning of his ordeal, they wouldn't work. However, if exposed within the last 72 hours, they would likely be successful.

 The doctor also stated that the medicine would have to be taken for 28 days and would be a mix of two different drugs. They would be taken at the same time each day and it was important not to miss a dose. Alan would then have to be tested once the course was complete and then if needed, two months after that.

 The doctor also said that some side effects were to be expected and were quite common, such as headaches, vomiting, nausea and diarrhoea.

 He then went on to say that HIV could be passed on through blood and semen but not through actions such as kissing and touching. Therefore, sexual acts would require a condom.

 Not that Eric cared about being intimate. That hadn't even crossed his mind. He was too concerned for Alan's well being and knew that Alan wouldn't want to be touched in that way anyway. Sure, he had before but he wouldn't now. Not after all that Jacob had put him through.

 Throughout this discussion, Alan seemed not to pay attention to anything the doctor had said. He just sat there staring at his hands.

 Once the doctor had left the room, Eric went into the city with Alan's glasses to get them repaired, while Luna stayed in the hospital room. On the way to the opticians, Eric pulled out his phone and called Ronald.

 He explained all that had happened and wasn't surprised to hear swear words coming down the phone from the enraged teenager. Still, he said he was glad to hear Alan had been found and asked when they were both coming back to college.

 Eric stated that he didn't know; that he would have to see when Alan would be discharged and ask him when he wanted to return to Edinburgh. At least if Alan would speak to him. He hadn't since the first night in the hospital. Not a word.

 He also pulled away from every small touch from Eric and Luna and Eric had soon gave up in attempting to comfort him in such a way at all.

\----

 Two days later, Alan left the hospital. Luna ordered a taxi back to her house, Eric having planned for he and Alan to stay there until Alan decided that he wanted to leave.  
Eric had brought Alan some clothes to get changed into and as the small teenager got into the taxi, he sat pressed into the corner of the seat, tight against the window. He looked terrified.

 At that moment, Eric realised that all the progress they had made as a couple had been for nothing. Thanks to Jacob, they were back to square one. Just like the first day of college.

 No, in fact Alan was even worse off now than he had ever been.


	11. Tainted.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to the Povs. 
> 
> Poor Alan.

***Eric’s Pov***

 As the taxi stopped outside of Luna’s house, Eric turned to Alan, eyeing the bump under his jumper where the sling was, his arm in it due to his broken collar bone. Luckily, it hadn’t been a bad break and the doctor had said that Alan should be able to remove the sling in about three weeks. Eric’s own injury had been steri striped and bandaged and was healing well, the wound having closed nicely.

 “Al, do ya’ need a hand gettin’ out of tha’ taxi?”

 Alan shook his head. _No, of course not. Ya’ don’t want me anywhere near ya’. Ya’ wouldn’t even let me help ya’ get changed. Are ya’ scared that I’m gunna’ hurt ya’?_

 Once inside the house, Eric spoke again. “Ya’ luggage is upstairs if ya’ need anythin’.” Alan walked upstairs without a word. A few minutes later, he came back downstairs and went to the backdoor of the living room, which lead out into the garden. Eric followed him outside, to see him fumbling in his pocket. He produced a cigarette and placed it in his mouth, before grabbing a lighter and lighting up. _Smoking again? Well I guess it might help calm ya’ down a bit at least._

\----

 Most of the day was spent in silence, Eric and Luna not knowing what to say to the brunette. He didn’t seem in a foul mood, he was just quiet. Too quiet. Alan also only ate a few bites of the dinner that Luna’s mom had made, before leaving the room to head up to the spare bedroom Eric had been staying in. _Dammit Al, ya’ barely ate anythin’ in the hospital too._

 Eric didn’t go up to bed that night, instead deciding to sleep on the sofa. Partly because he didn’t want to roll over and hurt Alan’s injury and partly because he felt like Alan didn’t want him there anyway.

 Just before midnight, he was about to fall asleep when he heard a scream from upstairs. Rushing up to Alan’s room, he found him bolt upright in bed. Luna appeared behind him a few moments later. He took a few steps towards the bed. “Al, ya’ okay?” He received no reply. “Nightmares again?” Alan nodded. “Do ya’ want me ta’ stop wi’ ya’ for a bit?”

 Alan looked up at him and shook his head. Eric sighed. “Alright, do ya’ want Luna ta’ stay instead?” Another shake. “Alright but if ya’ need us, come and ge’ us.” With that he left the room. _He doesn’t want me around at all._

_\---_

 Morning came, Eric having gotten no sleep, too busy listening out for anymore sounds coming from Alan’s room. There wasn’t any. Towards the end of the second day, Eric went up to talk to Alan. He hadn’t seen him yet.

 Alan was sat up in bed, watching some anime on his phone. “Al, when do ya’ wanna’ go back ta’ college?” No response was given, so he spoke again. “Wha’ ‘bout goin’ back tomorrow?” Alan nodded. “Ya’ gunna’ be alright goin’ on tha’ train wi’ ya’ collar bone?” Alan nodded again. “Alright.” _Hopefully you’ll relax around me again when we get back there, instead of being in this awful city._

 

_\---_

***Alan’s Pov***

 Two days later, Alan went back to classes. Drawing was difficult without his other hand to steady the page but he managed. Not that he cared for that, he didn’t even want to be there. He didn’t even want to be alive. The voices were still plaguing him and the PEP just added to his headache. It was a known side effect and he was glad for the pain killers that he had been prescribed for his collar bone. Still, he only had a week’s supply of them and dreaded the headaches he would have to suffer without them.

 Grell had greeted him, saying how glad she was that he was back. He hadn’t replied, silently taking his seat. He hadn’t even spoken to William when asked how he was doing at the end of class. He just rushed off a quickly as he could.

 Since the nightmare on the first night of leaving the hospital, he hadn’t slept much. There was no point. He didn’t care for his health anymore. He didn’t even know why he was taking his HIV medication.

 What had happened with Jacob had just traumatised him more, making him scared of everyone around him. He hadn’t died there, which was his intention. That had been what the voices had wanted and now they hated him even more.

 Walking back to his room, he found Eric waiting for him. “Al, we need ta’ talk.”

_No … just leave me alone. I don’t … want anyone to talk to me. I don’t want … anyone touching me. I … I’m too disgusting. I … I know you would never hurt me but … being touched. It … just reminds me of what they did to me. Why … hadn’t Jacob just ... killed me when he had the chance? He had a knife … he could have easily of ended my life. Why didn’t he?! Now I’m just left … even more screwed up. I … shouldn’t be scared of Eric. But I … I’m just too scared now. Of everyone … of everything._

 Eric spoke again. “Please jus’ talk ta’ me. Jus’ let me in.” Alan opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. Eric sighed. “Then jus’ come here. I’m not gunna’ hurt ya’, I promise.”

 Alan moved to sit on the bed next to Eric and Eric reached out to hold his free hand. Alan began to panic, finally finding his voice and pulling his hand away. “No … no. Don’t … touch me. I’m dirty!”

 “Wha’?”

 “The HIV … I’m dirty.”

 Eric frowned. “Tha’ doctor told us both tha’ touchin’ and kissin' won’t pass it on, even if ya’ do ‘ave it.”

 “I don’t … care. I … I’m diseased! I’m rotten and … filthy. Jacob … he made me dirty!”

 “Al-.”

 “I’m disgusting! You … saw. You … saw my scars too, didn’t you?! When you took me from … his house. You’ve seen how … vulgar and marked … I am.” A few tears slipped from his eyes.

 “Yeah, I saw them and I don’t care. Ya’ still beautiful ta’ me no matter wha’.”

 “No I’m not! I’m ugly … and filthy! From head to toe!” He stood up quickly, rushing to the door and unlocking it again. He slammed it behind him, racing down the hallway. _But I am not beautiful. The voices say I’m not, so I’m not. I … don’t want you to have to be around me! I don’t … want you to see … my filth. You’re too amazing … to be tainted by a wretch like me._


	12. Ronald's words.

***Eric’s Pov***

 It had been a little over a week since the couple had returned to college. If you could even call them a couple anymore. It definitely didn’t feel like that to Eric, Alan having continued to push him away. It was beginning to take its toll on him. He was upset and felt extremely lonely. That coupled with his growing worry for his love was making him unable to sleep and the next day, a Saturday, he finally cracked.

\---

***Alan’s Pov***

 Friday and Saturday had been spent without a visit from Eric. Alan was glad that he hadn’t come to see him, as then he wouldn’t somehow tarnish him. Still, it felt surprising lonely. Eric had been in his life for a year and a half and without him, Alan felt a void within himself. He missed him already, ever so much.

 Even with the fear, both of other people and his own disgrace, he wanted nothing more than to be back in Eric’s arms. If only it was that easy. It only the voices and the trauma he had suffered hadn’t built a barrier between him and his love for Eric.

\---

***Ronald’s Pov***

 Ronald went to Eric’s room on the Saturday night, around 8pm. He hadn’t seen Eric in a few days and wanted to make sure he was okay. He knew that what was happening with Alan was affecting him. He knocked the door and a few moments later Eric answered. He looked pale.

 “Hey … Ronnie.” He slurred, walking back into his room and sitting on the bed. _Is he drunk?_

 Ronald followed him over to the bed and saw an empty strip of tablets on his bed sheets. He picked it up and studied the back. _Phenergan?_ “Eric … wha’ are these?”

 “Sleepin’ pills. Needed ta’ sleep. Couldn’t ge’ any sleep.”

 “When did y’ start takin’ these?”

 “Today.” Eric made a sound between a hearty laugh and a giggle.

 “Y’ took all of them!?” He stared at Eric, seeing that his eyes were glazed over.

 “Yeah.”

 “But … there’s 14 in a strip! We … should ge’ y’ to tha’ hospital.”

 “I’m fine … already slept. They are startin’ ta’ wear off.”

 “Y’ sure?”

 “Yeah … I’m fine.” His voice began to crack. “But I’m not fine … not really.”

 “Why?” Ronald asked, sitting next to Eric on the bed.

 “Alan. He won’t … even speak ta’ me. I think he hates me.” Eric began to cry.

 “Na. Of course he doesn’t. He’s probably jus’ upset ‘bout wha’ happened in Bradford. It’s gunna’ take time for him ta' settle again.”

 Eric looked down at his hands, the tears falling fast, tricking down his face and landing on his palms. “Yeah … well, I’m hurtin’ too. I jus’ want him ta’ be happy. I don’t … want him pushing me away anymore. It … just hurts so much! It’s … tearin’ me apart!”

 “’Ave y’ told him any of tha’?”

 “No. I don’t want to push … him away any further . I’ve tried ta' tell him tha’ I love him wi’ everythin’ I ‘ave and tha’ I won’t hurt him but he …”

 “But he wha’, mate?”

 “Either … doesn’t say anythin’ or jus’ says tha’ he doesn’t … deserve me. It’s all in his head! I … jus’ wish he’d listen ta’ me.”

 “He will. He has before. Jus’ give him some time.” Ronald rubbed his back soothingly.

 “Yeah … he was doin’ so well until those … stupid voices dragged him down again. They jus’ spout bullshit. I wish … he would listen to me, not them. And … wha’ if he doesn’t ‘ave time?! He might ‘ave HIV!”

 “I know tha’ but it’s not goin’ ta’ affect him any time soon. There’s medication for it now, y’ know tha’ y’self.”

 Eric began to sob. “It’s all … jus’ too much! It … hurts too much!”

 “I know it does, mate.”

 “Will ... ya’ stay wi’ me tonight? Might help wi’ tha' lonliness.”

 “Yeah, no probs.” _Tomorrow I should really go talk to Alan. Try and help somehow._

\----

 Ronald woke up the next morning to find Eric curled up into his side, fast asleep. He shifted slightly and felt a boner pressing against his leg. Ronald laughed softly. _So that’s what y’ meant by being lonely. Dirty bastard._

 Eric woke up not long after, saying that he was going to go out for a walk to clear his head and to get some breakfast from the cafe’ nearby. Ronald went back to his own room for a while, before going to speak to Alan. _Maybe I can get through to him. I hope so at least._

 He knocked on the door and waited. Eventually, it was opened, a confused looking Alan appearing in the doorway. “Al, can I come in and talk ta’ y’ for a sec?”

 Alan eyed him for a long while, before nodding. He let Ronald through and then locked the door. “I need ta’ speak ta’ y’ ‘bout Eric.” Alan didn’t reply so he continued. “He’s in a bad way. He thinks y’ don’t want him around anymore.”

 “It’s not … that.”

 “Then wha’ is it? Y’ know he loves y’, right?”

 “I … don’t know how he … can.”

 Ronald stepped closer to him. “Wha’ do y’ mean by tha’?”

 “It … doesn’t matter.” He moved to sit at his desk, facing away from Ronald.

 “Why doesn’t it matter?”

 “Because … I don’t matter.”

 “Bullshit!” Ronald saw Alan flinch and lowered his voice. “Of course y’ matter. Y’ matter ta' a lot of people here. Me, Eric, Claude, Grell , Will, Alisha and Adrian. We all care ‘bout y’.”

 “But … why?”

 “Because you mean a lot to us. Especially Eric. He loves y’. Always has, always will.”

 “He shouldn’t.”

 “Well he bloody well does! He wants ta’ help y’ and y’ won’t let him.”

 “I’m … not worth help.”

 “Yeah y’ are! Stop puttin’ y’self down! 

 Alan turned around to look at him. “But … I’m not worth anything.”

 “How can y’ even think tha’? Eric had made it clear tha’ y’ mean tha’ world ta’ him. That’s gotta’ prove tha’ y’ worth somethin’, right?”

 “No … I don’t deserve him.”

 “Stop being silly, Alan! Of course y’ do. He thinks y’ do. Y’ an amazin’ person. We can all see tha’.” Ronald paused for a moment, before speaking again. “Do y’ remember when y’ too broke up and y’ was a right mess wi’out him?”

 “Y … yes.”

 “Well he’s a mess wi’out y’ too. He wants y’ ta’ stop pushin’ him away all tha’ time. That’s proof tha’ y’ are his world.”

 “But-.”

 “He overdosed last night! That’s how hurt he feels. He cares more ‘bout y’ than he does ‘bout himself.”

 “He did … what? I … really am … a terrible person.”

 “No y’ not! Why do y’ keep thinkin’ tha’? Tha’ voices right? That’s wha’ Eric was on ‘bout last night. That tha’ voices are makin’ y’ ill again.” Alan nodded. “Well they are wrong. Y’ still love Eric, don’t y’?”

 “I … always will.”

 “Then let him help y’. He’s tha’ best support y’ will ever ‘ave. I … I’m not sayin’ this ta’ try and guilt trip y’ or anythin’ but he wants ta’ help y’ and I think he can, if only you’d let him.”

 “But I … wish I was dead. Why don’t people understand that?!” Alan voice rose.

 “Because everyone loves y’ too much to even bear ta’ think ‘bout y’ not bein’ here anymore. I definitely can’t stand tha’ idea.”

 “Really? But the voic-.”

 “The voices are wrong! They are jus’ tryin’ ta’ mess wi’ ya’ head.” Ronald sighed, walking to the door. “Jus’ please think ‘bout wha’ I’ve said. Eric loves y’ so much. He needs y’, just as much as y’ need him.”

 “I … I’ll think about it. Thanks … for being there for me.” He unlocked the door for Ronald.

 “Everyone is here for y’. Never forget tha’. If y’ ever need ta’ talk, y’ can talk ta’ me and Claude too. It’s not jus’ Eric who wants y’ ta’ be happy.” With that he left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please Alan, listen to him!
> 
> Also I've taken that many of those tablets and they didn't even help me to sleep. So it's not a lie for this story. No one ever try that though. It messes you up.


	13. Don't be sad ... Eric.

 After Ronald had left Alan’s room, the brunette went to lie down on his bed, careful to not twist his injured side. His head was pounding, having no more painkillers to take away his headache from the PEP.

_Eric needs me? Really? If … what Ronnie said it true … then I really am a terrible person. I’ve been pushing him away … and maybe it has hurt him. I do love him and need him … so much. I just … don’t want him to be stuck with someone as terrible as me. He deserves so much better. I should just … die._

 And with that in mind, he decided to stop taking his PEP medication. There was no point taking it anyway, not when he didn’t care for his health.

\----

 ***Two days later.***

 Eric came into Alan’s room and found him lying in bed, reading some manga on his phone. He couldn’t read a book, not with just one useable hand. Before Alan even realised he was there, he’d snuck under the covers next to him. “Eric … what are you … doing here?”

 “I needed ta’ see ya’.”

 “But you … shouldn’t.

 “Why not?”

 Alan put his phone down, turning over onto his uninjured side, facing away from Eric. “Because … I’m not good enough … for you to see me.”

 “That’s bullshit, Al. I want ta’ see ya’. Isn’t tha’ a good enough reason?”

 “No … because I don’t deserve you.”

 “Don’t be so stupid! Ronnie told me wha’ ya’ was talkin’ ‘bout. Ya’ need ta’ stop puttin’ ya’self down all tha’ time. Ya’ good enough for me. Ya’ good enough for everyone. All ya’ friends think tha’ ya’ great.” He lay down on his side too, arm wrapping around Alan’s waist.

 “Please … don’t touch me.”

 “I’m not gunna’ hurt ya’. I never will. Ya’ should know tha’ by now.”

 Alan sighed, shutting his eyes. “I know … I really do know that. I know … that you’re different. I know … that you’re so kind to me. But … I don’t want you to get dirty too. I don’t want to hurt you … in anyway.”

 “But ya’ don’t understand, Al. I’m already hurtin’.” Alan could hear his voice cracking. “I’m not as strong as ya’ think I am. I act all hard but inside … I do ‘ave feelings. I’m sad, scared and … I feel so lonely.” He began to sniff and Alan could tell that he was crying.

 _I … don’t want you to be sad. Not you, never you Eric._ “Please don’t … be sad.”

 “Then ... stop pushin’ me away because it hurts! It hurts so much.”

 “Eric-.”

 “No Al. I love ya’. Wi’ everythin’ I ‘ave. I keep tellin’ ya’ tha’ and I don’t care ‘bout wha’ has happened in tha’ past. I don’t care tha’ ya’ went back ta’ Jacob. I jus’ need ya’. I need ya’ close to me.”

 _I don’t want you to … be upset. Stop saying things like that. It’ll make me want to be … close to you again!_ “You really … do love me?” _Please say that you don’t mean it. Say no, so I can stay away from you. So I won’t hurt you._

 “Yeah. I don’t know how many times I ‘ave ta’ keep tellin’ ya’ tha’ before you’ll listen. Please jus’ let me in.”

 “Okay. I … don’t want you to be sad.”

 “Well I’m only happy when I’m wi’ ya’. All I want is ya’.”

 Alan snuggled back into Eric’s hold. _I want you too. I have missed you … so much these past … few days. It’s so selfish … of me. You … should find someone better. Not … that it matters. I’ll be dead soon. I won’t be a burden to ... you anymore._

\---

 

***A week later. No Pov***

 Alan had let Eric in some, only so he didn’t hurt him more. No kisses but at least cuddles. At least until his sling was off and he could attempt suicide again.

 Eric came into Alan’s room after he had finished chemistry class, to find him in bed. “Ya’ alright, babe?”

 “I’m fine.”

 Eric sat on the edge of the bed. “Ya’ don’t look very well.”

 “I’m just … tired.”

 Eric reached out to place his hand on Alan’s forehead. “I think ya’ got a fever.”

 “I probably just have a cold … I have a sore throat too.”

 Eric stared at him for a moment, before speaking. “Al, those symptoms …”

 He couldn’t finish that sentence. They had both been told that flu like symptoms were a tell-tale sign of the start of HIV, once a person become infected. Now all Eric could do was wait nervously for the test to be done, two long weeks from now.


	14. Half full bottle of pills.

***No POV***

 It was now two days before Alan was due his HIV test. His flu like symptoms had disappeared now and he had also taken his sling off a week ago, though he was still wearing it in bed to stop his bone from healing at an awkward angle.

 “Al, wha’ tha’ hell?!” Eric shouted, eyeing the bottle of HIV medication that Alan had been given.

 “Wh … what?”

 “Ya’ haven’t been takin’ ya’ meds, ‘ave ya’?” Alan didn’t answer. “There should only be a few pills left, Alan. Not half a pack full!”

 “I …”

 “Just answer me! Ya’ haven’t been takin’ them, right?!”

 “No … I haven’t.”

 A bitter laugh escaped Eric. “Do ya’ really wanna’ leave me tha’ badly? Can’t stand bein’ around me huh? Hate me tha’ much?”

 “No … I …”

 “Why would ya’ do this ta’ me?”

 “It’s not about … wanting to leave you. It …”

 “It’s wha’?!”

 “I … just think that you … deserve someone better. Better than me.”

 It took all of Eric’s effort to not shake the smaller man to try to get him to see sense. Not wanting to hurt his collar bone, he settled for leaning down in front of the bed Alan was sitting on and lifting his chin up with his fingers. “I don’t want anyone else, Al. Ya’ tha’ only one for me.”

 “Eric-.”

 “I don’t want ya’ dead! I can’t live wi’out ya’! How many times, Alan?! How many times ‘ave I gotta’ keep sayin’ it!?”

 “I know …”

 “We can’t be together if ya’ dead. I thought ya’ loved me.”

 “I do.”

 Eric released his grip. “Ya’ do realise tha’ if ya’ die, we can’t be together. What’s tha’ point in lovin’ me if ya ’keep tryin’ ta’ leave me?”

 Alan looked away. “It’s just that … I know that …”

 “That ya’ don’t deserve me? Yeah, of course. Well news flash, it isn’t true! Stop listening ta’ those stupid voices! They don’t know shit!”

 “But … they are so loud, Eric.”

 “I don’t care how loud they are! Ya’ said tha’ ya’ wouldn’t let them win, remember?!”

 “I remember.”

 “Then stop listenin’ ta’ them. Please, try and beat them again. If not for ya’self, then for me.”

 “I …” Alan paused for a moment. “Do you … really need me that much?”

 “I do.”

 “Then … I will try.”

 “Ya’ not jus’ sayin’ tha’ again?”

 “If you mean it, that you won’t leave me because you think … I’m not good enough for you.” A small smile graced Alan’s lips. “Then … I can do it. I know I can.”

 “Really?”

 “You … really love me? Like you said before … not matter what? No matter how filthy I think I am, you … won’t stop loving me?”

 “I really do. I mean it.”

 “Then I mean what … I just said too. I’m … actually getting sick … of listening to the voices. They are … so mean to me.”

 Eric lent down again, thumb rubbing gently over Alan’s cheek. “I know babe. They shouldn’t speak ta’ ya’ like that.”

 “And you’re so … nice to me. I want to … make you happy. Not them. I … I’ve missed being with you …properly. You’re the … best thing in my life right now.”

 Eric smiled. “I’ve missed being wi’ ya’ too.” He pressed his lips against Alan’s and felt him flinch. He relaxed after a short while, kissing back. He had missed kissing greatly, Eric was so tender with him and he tasted amazing.

 Alan opened his mouth, granting Eric access. After a deep kiss, they parted and Eric spoke. “Lie down on tha’ bed, Al.”

 “What?”

 “Don’t worry, I’m not gunna’ try anythin’. Please?”

 “Okay … I will.” Alan moved to lie down, head on his pillow. Eric moved to his side, pulling Alan’s jumper up slightly. “What … are you doing?!” Eric ran his fingers over the scars on Alan’s stomach. “No! Don’t … look at them. Please … I don’t want you … to see how awful … they look.”

 “I’ve already seen them, remember? Back in Bradford.”

 “But-.”

 “They don’t make me think any less of ya’. They never will.” He bent down to kiss Alan’s scars. “They are a part of ya’. How could I hate them?”

 Alan shut his eyes, relaxing into the touch. “Thank you … for caring about my … feelings so much. Please … carry on. It … feels nice.”

 “Of course.”

\---

***Two days later***

 Alan and Eric waited nervously for the results of Alan’s blood test. They would find out about Alan’s status in a few short minutes. Those past two days had been better for Alan. Even though the voices were still screaming at him, he began to believe more and more that Eric meant what he had said, that he loved him no matter what.

 Eric’s hand was shaking in the other’s. “Eric … are you okay?”

 “I’m jus’ scared. I’ll be fine.” Alan squeezed his hand comfortingly. “But it’ll be okay, right? Ya’ will be fine. Ya’ won’t ‘ave it, will ya’?”

 “I don’t know Eric, we will … have to wait and see.”

 The sexual health nurse walked back into the room. “We have the results back from your test, Mr Humphries.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep. Cliff hanger. #sorrynotsorry


	15. Two at a time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisser - slang term meaning face.

 The journey back to the college dorms was silent, Alan not speaking a word. On reaching Eric’s room, the blonde spoke. “Well tha’ was a relief, I can tell ya’ tha’.”

 “Yeah my fever … must have been just a bad cold.”

 “Ya’ are happy ‘bout not bein’ positive, right? Ya’ don’t seem in a very good mood.”

 “No … I’m glad.”

 “Again, ya’ don’t seem very happy, even sayin’ tha’.”

 Alan eyed the floor. “I still feel dirty … all those hands on me. I still … feel like a whore.”

 “Al, look at me.” Alan complied. “Ya’ are no such thing. People jus’ took advantage. Ya’ are not a whore.”

 “You … really think so?”

 “Yeah. I’ll never think of ya’ in tha’ way.” Alan nodded. “Can I ask ya’ somethin’?”

 “Y … yes.”

 “Since getting’ back here, ya’ haven’t been eatin’ much again, ‘ave ya’?”

 “Eric … I …”

 “I’m not gunna’ ge’ mad. Jus’ wanna’ know.”

 “No … I haven’t been eating much.”

 “Then how’s ‘bout I ge’ ya’ some chocolate cake? So we can ge’ ya’ back on the right path.” To Eric’s surprise, Alan began to sniff, before his hand covered his mouth to muffle a sob. “Al, what’s tha’ matter? Ya’ don’t have ta’ ‘ave tha’ cake if ya’ don’t wanna’, I jus’ thought ya’ would enjoy some.”

 “No … It’s not that. It’s just … I’m so happy right now. I didn’t think I’d ever feel happiness … again. You … are so kind to me. The way you … treat me. It’s so nice … it’s overwhelming.”

 Eric smiled softly. “Gettin’ all emotional on my, am ya’?” He moved forward to wrap his arms around Alan’s waist. “I’ll always be nice ta’ ya’. That’s how people in love act towards each other, right?”

 Alan wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his mobile arm, before gripping onto Eric’s shirt and pressing his face against it. “Yes … you’re right. I love you too … just hold me for a bit longer.”

 “Of course, babe.”

 Once Alan had calmed down, they headed to a small café’ down the street. Eric ordered himself a cheese and onion sandwich and got Alan a small slice of chocolate cake. Alan munched on it eagerly. “Ya’ enjoyin’ tha’, babe?”

 “Yeah … hmm … yummy.” Alan stated, after swallowing.

 Eric laughed when he saw that Alan had managed to get chocolate cake smeared up his cheek. “Ya’ made a right mess of tha’.”

 “What?”

 “Got cake all up ya’ kisser.”

 “Oh.” Alan dropped his fork, wiping the mess away. “Has … it all gone?”

 “Yup.”

\------

***Two days later**

 “Al, ya’ alright?”

 “Do I look fucking okay!? … I … I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to … snap.”

 “Voices bein’ a pain again?”

 “Yeah. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t take it out … on you.”

 Eric moved to sit next to Alan on his bed. “Yeah, ya’ shouldn’t but I know ya’ can’t help it sometimes. Jus’ try to fight them. They jus’ spout bullshit, right?”

 Alan grinned. “Very true.”

 “Anythin’ I can do ta’ help?”

 “Can … I have a cuddle? No! Wait … never mind. I don’t … want one. Forget I asked!”

 “Why not?” Eric asked, frowning.

 “It’s nothing … it doesn’t matter.”

 “Yeah it does. Somethin’ troublin’ ya’?”

 “You … wont judge me if I tell you?”

 “I’ll never judge ya’. So what’s up?”

 Alan bit his lip, before speaking again. “I asked … Jacob that … I mean asked for a cuddle … when I was at his.”

 “Yeah? Did he give ya’ one?” Alan shook his head. “Wha’ did he do then? Did he hurt ya’?”

 “No. He injected me with … Heroin instead.”

 “Tha’ bastard! Wait … tha’ doctor said tha’ ya’ had two track marks?”

 “I did.”

 “Do ya’ wanna talk ‘bout it?”

 Alan nodded. “If … it won’t sicken you. I … I want you to know. I just … hope if you know the extent of what I did … well I hope you won’t be disgusted.”

 “Ya’ didn’t do anythin’, Al. They did tha’ stuff ta’ ya’. It wasn’t your fault.”

 “Okay. Well … the first time when I asked him, it was because people had hurt me badly that day. I was upset. I wanted some comfort.”

 Eric clenched his fists. “Wha’ did they do, Al?”

 “They … tied me down to a chair. With a machine … that penetrated me. They … left me like that for hours. I … I could barely walk after it.”

 “Shit, Al. I don’t even know what ta’ say. That’s jus’ so awful, babe.” Eric uncurled his fists to rub Alan’s back soothingly with his one hand. “Wha’ ‘bout tha’ second time? If ya’ wanna’ talk ‘bout it, tha’ is.”

 “The second time … the same person … with the chair. He … tied my hands behind my back … and gagged me. Blindfolded me too.” Alan began to sniff, struggling with his next sentence. “Then … he touched me … and clamped something … around me. Then he … put something … big in me. It … hurt so much but … he wouldn’t stop. I think … it was just to … stretch me.” Eric felt his stomach churn. It was just too horrible to think about. “Then later, two … guys. I think they … did it to me … at the same time. I don’t know … I think so. It … I felt something tear … I think. Then after … he put that thing back in me and I think he kicked the end of it. I felt … a sharp blow to the object anyway. Then after … it was night time. So … it must have been hours of that. I couldn’t stop crying or screaming … because I was still tied up … with that thing in me, even with … the blindfold and gag gone. Then he gave me that … I think just to shut me up. I didn't … like the feel of that drug. It made … me feel so ill.”

 A few angry tears slipped from Eric’s eyes. “That’s … despicable. Jus’ too cruel. I’m so glad we found ya’, before it was too late.”

 “Me too. I … know I said … that I didn’t want to be saved … before but I’m thankful that you came now. So … I could be with you again. I thought … Jacob was going to kill me. He pulled a knife out on me … and was threatening me but he just cut me. Then … later. Before you … came … he beat me senseless. I think … that’s when my collar bone broke.”

 Eric took Alan’s hand in his own, lifting it to kiss it softly, before speaking again. “Well he ain’t ever gunna’ hurt ya’ again. No one will. If they try, I’ll jus’ bang them over tha’ head wi’ another lamp. I ‘ave ta’ admit, I enjoyed doin’ that.” Alan giggled. “So how’s ‘bout this cuddle? Can I tempt ya’ inta’ one now?”

 “Yes. And then … later, can we have pizza?”

 “Cuddle then pizza, sounds good.” But ya’ know wha’ sounds better?”

 “What?”

 “Pizza in bed, plus cuddles.”

 Alan giggled again. “They would be awkward, only being able … to lift my one arm and all.”

 “True. Cuddle then pizza it is then. I’m in tha’ mood for ham and pineapple.” He smirked.

 “Eric! Meanie bum!”

 

___

***The following morning, Sebastian’s Pov***

 Adrian rolled over to cuddle into Sebastian’s side, fingers trailing lazily up and down his chest. “Morning professor.” He laughed.

 “Good morning to you too, Adrian.”

 “So, I have a secret I wish to tell. But it has to stay secret, okay?”

 “You always tell everyone your secrets. They can hardly be considered such anymore. But yes, please do tell me.”

 “I love you.”

 A smile graced the older man’s face. “I love you too.” _I feel as if you are my soulmate. I thought the pain of Claude’s departure would never heal and yet, you came and mended my broken heart. You are the one for me, Adrian. I have no doubt about that. You are my world. My entire existence._


	16. Moving in together.

 Alan was lying down in bed, tiredness falling onto him from being full from his two slices of pizza. Eric finished his last slice, before joining him under the covers. He scooted down the bed, lifting Alan’s jumper up and placing kisses to the skin of his tummy. “Eric … don’t … please.”

 Eric tossed the cover off to uncover himself. “Why not? Ya’ let me last time.”

 “I know … but I still don’t like you seeing them. Plus I look all … bloated.”

 “Na ya’ don’t. Ya’ could do wi’ a bit more meat on ya’ anyway, ya’ lost weight again since comin’ back from Bradford.” He moved back to kissing the skin.

 “No … please stop it. I don’t like it, okay?!”

 “Al, chill out. I told ya’ tha’ ya’ scars don’t bother me.”

 “But they bother me.”

 Eric sighed, pulling his jumper down and shifting back up to the top of the bed. “I’m gunna’ end up seein’ them eventually. Like what if ya’ come out of tha’ shower one time and I see them? Or I need a piss while ya’ in tha’ bath?”

 “That … won’t happen. The college bathroom is lockable … from the inside, remember?”

 “I’m not talkin’ ‘bout college. I mean when we move in together.” Alan began to sniff. “Did tha’ thought … upset ya’?”

 “No … no. I just … can’t believe it. You … really want to move in with me? You … want to live together?”

 “I want ya’ in my life for as long as I live it. But I mean, ‘ave ya’ even thought ‘bout wha’ ya’ wanna do after we graduate?”

 “No … I was thinking … maybe university. I want … to stay in this beautiful city for … as long as possible.”

 “Then I’ll stay here too. Find a course tha’ suits me at tha’ same uni. Or if not, we can ge’ a place together.”

 “No. I mean … I’d love that but … we … wouldn’t be able … to afford it.

 “Dad’s pocket money, remember?” Eric smirked.

 “You … could afford it?”

 “Yeah I think so. Jus’ a small place though. Probably not tha’ great but somethin’ at least.”

 “It sounds lovely. I’ve been in much worse places … anyway.”

 “Ya’ mean Jacob’s? Yeah, tha’ place was a proper shit hole.”

 “Yes. It was.”

 Eric ran his hand over Alan’s clothed stomach. If ya’ don’t want me ta’ see them yet, then I won’t look. I jus’ hope that one day, ya’ won’t feel so ashamed of them.”

 “Thank you … for understanding.”

\----

***A month later***

 Alan had been doing well the past month, trying his best to eat enough to sustain him. His mood swings were still there, though not as frequent as they had been in Bradford. Whenever he would shout and swear at Eric, Eric wouldn’t get angry. He had learnt that nothing good came of getting upset; Alan couldn’t help it, after all.

 The voices were still prevalent, though Alan was doing his best to remind himself that they were just lying to him. As the days past, he had commented to Eric on how they weren’t so loud and were also not there to torment him all of the time. They would come and go, a sure sign that things were improving.

 He had also been for a check up on his collar bone and it had healed perfectly. Tonight was the first night that Eric was spending in Alan’s room, now that he could sleep next to him without worrying about rolling over and re-breaking the bone by mistake in the night.

 Eric held Alan tightly in his arms, as they both drifted off into slumber. The blonde was soon awoken by the feel of Alan writhing against him. He looked down to see Alan’s eyes screwed shut, small whimpers then coming from his mouth. Alan woke up a moment later, looking up at Eric wide eyed.

 “Still ‘aving nightmares, babe?”

 “Y … yes.”

 “’Ave ya’ been ‘aving them every night?” Alan nodded. “Sorry, I didn’t realise. If I had known, I would ‘ave stayed in ya’ room at night.”

 “It’s okay … you’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

 Eric smiled at him, before kissing him gently. The kiss soon turned deeper and once Eric had pulled away, he spoke again. “I know tha' ya’ don’t want me kissin’ ya’ under ya’ clothes but are ya’ still alright for me ta’ kiss ya’ neck? What happened in Bradford hasn’t put ya’ off it again, has it?”

 “No … I still want you to. I … I mean … it’s different when it’s you. Only you … are gentle enough … for it to feel nice.”

 “Good, neck it is.” Eric moved his lips to trail down Alan’s jaw and neck, earning a soft moan from the smaller man.

 “Hmm … feels so nice. It’s … quiet relaxing.” Eric continued to kiss the area, until Alan’s eyes drifted shut and he slipped into sleep once more.

\---

***Two nights later. William’s Pov***

 It was now a Saturday and William and Grell had spent most of the day snuggled up in bed together. “It’s such a good sign.” Grell stated.

 “What is?”

 “Alan. He seems a lot happier now than when he returned after Easter. He seems to be doing so much better.”

 “Yes. I have noticed that too.” _I’m happy for him. He is such a sweet young man, he deserves contentment._

 Grell slid to lie on top of William, grinding her hips down on his. “Well I think we should celebrate such a fact.”

 “Any excuse for sex.”

 “You know you love it.”

 “I do.” _But not as much as I love you._


	17. He died a few nights ago.

***Beginning of June. One month until graduation***

 “I fucking hate you!” Alan screamed, throwing a book Eric’s way.

 Eric dodged it, moving to stand in front of Alan, who was sitting on his desk chair. “No ya’ don’t. Don’t be silly.” Eric stated calmly.

 “Just get the hell away from me! I … I don’t want you near me!”

 “I’m not goin’ anywhere. Don’t let tha’ voices in, babe.”

 “Shut up!”

 “Nope.” Eric bent down to kiss him softly on the cheek. “I love ya’.”

 “Be … quiet!”

 “Nope. I love ya’.” Eric repeated, shifting to kiss his lips. After a short while Alan relaxed into his touch, fingers tangling in his hair. Eric had learnt by now how to calm Alan down when the voices made him angry. It wasn’t as common an occurrence anymore, but it still happened. Telling him that he loved him always seemed to ease the smaller man. He knew by now that his outbursts came from a lack of self-confidence, of self-worth.

 Once their kiss parted, Alan eyed the floor. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to … take it out on you. The voices … have just been so loud today.”

 “Its fine babe. I understand.”

 A small smile appeared on the brunettes lips. “T … thank you.”

 “Wanna’ go out for lunch?” Eric asked.

 “No … I don’t feel up to it. I’m sorry.”

 “It’s okay, babe. Don’t worry ‘bout it. Wha’ do ya’ feel like doin’ then?”

 “Can we just … kiss and cuddle?”

 “Tha’ sounds like a good idea.” Eric pulled Alan up quickly onto his feet, before scooping him up into his arms and carrying him over to the bed.

 He lay him down on top of the covers, before moving to lie on top of him. Heated kisses were exchanged, Alan’s hands trailing under Eric’s top and up his back. Alan’s hips pressed up, as the other’s lips met a sensitive spot on his neck.

 Eric’s hand slipped between the two of them, when he felt Alan’s erection pressing against him, rubbing his bulge softly through his pants. “Eric … no. Don’t … please.”

 He quickly withdrew from the touch, pulling his lips away to look at Alan. “Shit. Sorry Al, got a bit carried away.”

 “It’s okay. I know … you probably, well … we have done stuff before. I know … we have but I’m just not … feeling up to it. Not after what … happened at Jacob’s.

 “It’s fine. I understand babe. Sorry if I scared ya'.”

 “No. You don’t scare me, Eric. Not anymore. It’s just doing things like that … which scares me. Please don’t apologise.”

 “Alright.” Eric smiled. “So how’s ‘bout this cuddle?”

 “Please. That … would be nice.”

\----

***The following day.***

 Eric came back from class to go to his room. Alan was waiting for him, manga comic in hand. He set it down on Eric’s bed. “I need to … talk to you about something.”

 “Sure.”

 “I couldn’t apply for a uni course. I … left it too late for this year.”

 Eric smiled. “I ain’t even thought ‘bout it myself, Al.”

 Alan bit his lip nervously. “But … I thought you wanted to spend … the next study year … here, with me? Have … you changed your mind? Don’t … you want me around anymore?”

 Eric walked over and sat down next to Alan. “Na, don’t be daft. Even if we don’t go ta’ uni, we can jus' take a gap year.”

 “But what … about us being … together?”

 “Jus’ come ta’ live wi’ me back in Kent for a bit. My family won’t mind. Dad knows how well you’ve been doin’ tha’ past few months, wi’ ya’ eatin’ and everythin’.”

 “Are … you sure?”

 “Yeah. If ya’ want to, tha’ is. No pressure or anythin’.”

 “No, I want to. I … really do. I … love you, Eric.”

 Eric held his hand softly in his own. “I love ya’ too. So, wha’ course ya’ thinkin’ of takin’ the year after? A higher art degree?”

 “Y … yes. You?”

 “Hmm … dunno’ yet. Maybe pharmacy.”

 “That’s good. You … will do great, I’m sure.”

 “Ya’ will too.” Eric grinned. “Fancy goin’ ta’ see Ronnie for a bit? Haven’t seen him in a couple of days.”

 “Sure.”

\---

 Once knocking and entering Ronald’s room, they found the sombre looking teenager on his bed. “Hey guys.” He said quietly.

 “Are … you okay, Ronnie?” Alan asked.

 “Not really.”

 “What’s up mate? Ya’ and Claude had a lover’s tiff?” Eric joked.

 “No. We’re fine. My dad … died two nights ago.”

 Alan quickly moved over to the bed, sitting next to Ronald. “I’m so sorry, Ronnie. Can … I ask what happened?”

 “He hung himself. Guess losin’ mom was too much for him.”

 “Shit, Ronnie.” Eric said. “That’s awful.”

 “Yeah. Claude’s at work right now, tryin’ ta’ ge’ some time off again.”

 “If … he can’t … then me and Eric will come with you … to the funeral.”

 Ronald smiled sadly. “Thanks guys.”


	18. Whiskey.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May need to read this chapter first to understand the end pov. From my Claude/ Ronald spin off series.
> 
> [Spin off chapter. ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4610142/chapters/10765211)

 Before going to Ronald’s room, Claude knocked on Eric’s’. After a few moments, it was opened and a confused blonde stared back at him. “Hey mate, everythin’ alright?”

 “Yes. I just came to speak with you privately if I may?”

 “Yeah, yeah. Sure.” Eric replied, opening the door wider to let Claude enter. “So what’s this all ‘bout?”

 “I came to ask a favour.”

 “Alright, shoot.”

 “I have finally found a house that I am interested in purchasing.”

 Eric smiled. “That’s awesome. I’m sure tha’ Ronnie will love it.”

 “That is why I have a favour to ask.” Eric nodded and he continued. “I would like you and Alan to live with us. The house is about half an hour’s walk from the city centre but I think it will be quite homely. It is spacious too, so we can all have space apart when need be. I know that you have already planned to go back to Kent for your gap year but Ronald is really struggling at the moment. I think that being around his friends may help to cheer him up in the future.”

 “Ah, right.”

 “You don’t have to say yes, I understand perfectly if you wish to return home instead.”

 Eric pondered for a moment. “No, I think it’s a great idea. I jus’ need ta’ ask Alan ‘bout it first.”

 “Of course.”

 “How did tha’ funeral go? I … didn’t want ta’ ask Ronnie ‘bout it but I know tha’ he’s been really down since gettin’ back.”

 “It wasn’t nice at all. Ronald was and still is a wreck.”

 “That’s shitty. Not tha’ I can blame him for feelin’ so low.”

 “Yes. Well once you have discussed it with Alan, please text me and let me know.”

 “Yeah mate, I will.”

\----

 Once Eric had explained to Alan the details of his conversation with Claude, he asked. “So wha’ do ya’ think? The decision is yours, no pressure.”

 “I think … it’s a really good idea. I … was thinking that I would … miss Claude and Ronnie … once back in Kent, if I’m honest.”

 “Awesome. Then movin’ in wi’ them it is.”

 “But what … about your family?”

 Eric shrugged. “I didn’t ge’ around to tellin’ them ‘bout movin’ back yet.”

 “Oh.” Alan stared down at his hands. “Because … you don’t think … your dad would let me stay at your … house?”

 “Don’t be silly, babe. I’ve jus’ had a lot on my mind the past week.”

 Alan looked up, panic in his eyes. “Like what? Have … I done something to upset you?”

 “Na, of course not. Ya’ know tha’ I’m so proud of ya’, ya’ really ‘ave been doin’ so well.”

 “Then … what’s on your mind? If you … want me to know that … is.”

 The blonde sat down on the bed next to Alan. “I’m jus’ worried ‘bout Ronnie.”

 “Yeah … he does seem really upset. I … know exactly how he feels. Having no family left … can be lonely at times.”

 Reaching to hold Alan’s hand in his, Eric spoke again. “Yeah … I bet.”

 Alan smiled softly. “But it’s not so bad … anymore. I have you.”

 “Ya’ do. Ya’ always will.”

\---

***Two days before graduation***

 Eric had just finished handing in the last bit of his coursework. He could now spend the last two days of college relaxing in his dorm room. Alan had done well even with all of his time off college, having finished his work the day before.

 He checked his phone on leaving the class room, to see five missed calls from Alan. Shit, this wasn’t a good thing, not at all. Rushing to Alan’s room, he unlocked the door and entered. His pace increased, over to the bed when he saw the state that Alan was in.

 Alan was sat on top of it, balling his eyes out with a blade hovering above his wrist. Eric pulled it away from him carefully, throwing it to the floor. “Eric … where … were you? I … I … can’t go without doing this … anymore. It’s so hard.”

 “Sorry, was in class. What’s hard, babe?”

 “Being alive … with all of these … voices. Why … are they so cruel?”

 “I don’t know, babe. Wha’ ‘ave they been sayin’ this time?”

 Alan shook his head, coughing on a suppressed sob. Once he stopped spluttering, he spoke shakily again. “It’s … nothing important. It’s … stupid. Just like me.”

 “Come on babe, Ya’ not stupid, jus’ tell me. If it’s bothering ya’ so much, ya’ need ta’ tell me. Maybe I can help?”

 Alan took in a shaky breath, trying to compose himself. “They … keep calling me a slut all of the time. I’m so sick of it. I know … that they are right. That’s why … I want to hurt myself.”

 Eric pulled him into a hug. “Ya’ not a slut. Never will be.”

 Alan pressed his face into Eric’s shoulder. “They … keep saying it … because I want you. I want you … in that way, Eric.”

 “Yeah and that’s fine. That’s wha’ two people in love can do, if they want to. There’s nothin’ wrong wi’ wantin’ ta’ make love ta' tha’ one special person. Jus' like Claude and Ronnie, they do it 'cause they love each other.”

 “I guess … that’s true.”

  “Sure it is. Doesn’t make ya’ a slut. Stop listening ta’ tha’ shit they keep talkin’. It’s not true. They are jus’ tryin’ ta’ drag ya’ down.”

 “Thank … you, Eric. You … always make things seem so clear. So much easier.” He lifted his head up. “Sometimes, I find it strange. The way I feel.”

 “Wha’ do ya’ mean?”

 “Well … I have always thought of sex … as painful and horrible. Something people punish me … with for being a bad person.” Eric nodded, letting Alan continue though he really wanted to comment on the fact that Alan wasn’t a bad person. Not at all. “But when I think of … doing that with you … it seems like it would be nice. That … it’s an act of love … not hate.”

 Eric kissed the top of Alan’s head. He pulled away to say “It will be jus' as ya’ think it will be. I’m gunna’ be nothin’ but lovin’ towards ya’.”

 “Then … can we?”

 Lifting his chin up with his fingers, he studied him carefully. “I don’t know if we should, Al. With wha’ happened wi’ Jacob, I don’t think ya’ are quite ready yet.”

 “I’m sorry.”

 Eric frowned. “Wha’ for?”

 “Because you … are probably right. I probably wouldn’t be able to handle doing it yet. As much as I want to … I’m worried I’ll get flashbacks.”

 “No need ta’ apologise but yeah, ya’ should wait until ya’ are absolutely sure tha’ ya’ are up for it. There’s no pressure. I’ve told ya’ tha’ before.”

 “Thank you.”

 Eric pulled him into a deep kiss, fingers wiping the tears from Alan’s face as they began to cease, Alan feeling content in the other’s embrace.

 

\-----

***Ronald’s Pov***

 Ronald had finished classes later that day. A bottle of whiskey was held tightly in his hand, as he sat on the edge of his bed, head hung low.

_Why does everyone leave me? Why did dad go? I guess no one cares about my feelings after all. My dad obviously didn’t. That bastard teacher who raped me couldn’t give a shit about how I felt. Even Claude will … stop caring soon. He tells me he loves me but he won’t for long. I guess that … I’m just such a shit person that everyone abandons me. I hate myself._

 Suppressing a sob, he raised the bottle to his lips, gulping it down with need. _Maybe I can … just forget about it. About it all._


	19. I killed my best friend.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit of Eric's past in this chap.

 ***No Pov***

 Graduation was now upon them and Alan had seemed to have settled a lot in the past few days. The voices had faded away remarkably. Of course, they hadn’t vanished completely but had been a lot less frequent. Eric’s words of support surrounding the topic of sex had seemed to have eased Alan more than he had thought possible. From that moment, Alan’s self-loathing began to dwindle, contentment replacing it.

 Later that day, the couple decided to do something they had been meaning to do for a long while; visit Edinburgh castle. It was a lovely, romantic experience, Eric wrapping his arms around Alan from behind as they looked from their position on the outside wall down onto the city below. The sun shone brightly over beautiful historic buildings and Alan smiled, content to be held in Eric’s embrace as the warmth of a hot July day fell upon him.

 Alan spent the rest of the visit in awe, taking in all the historical information given to him from the tour book he had his face pressed into. Eric simple enjoyed spending the time with Alan, watching the smaller man smile brightly. That beautiful smile that was starting to be a more frequent sight. That amazing smile that brightened Eric’s day.

\---

 In the evening, they met up in Ronald’s room with the other couple to celebrate the end of college. Claude was eyeing his partner with concern, the teenager sitting on the floor surrounded with bottles of beer. A few empty, many more still waiting to be drunk.

 Ronald was in a foul mood with everyone for the next few hours, the alcohol having had no relaxing effect on him. Eric was getting annoyed, especially when Ronald snapped at Alan. “Mate, chill out a bit would ya’.”

 “Fuck y’.” Ronald scowled. “Y’ got no idea how I’m feelin’.”

 “I do actually.” Eric shot back.

 Ronald laughed bitterly. “How could y’? Y’ life has been so easy. Y’ ‘ave never lost anyone close ta’ y’, so stop pretendin’ tha’ y’ understand wha’ I’m goin’ through.”

 At that moment, Eric snapped. “Jus’ ‘cause I’ve never gone on ‘bout it doesn’t mean tha’ I’ve never lost anyone who meant somethin’ ta’ me! My best friend died right in front of me, so screw ya’!” With that, he got up on his feet and stormed out of the room. Alan quickly followed him.

 Once reaching Eric’s room, Alan eyed him worriedly. “Eric … what was that … all about?”

 Eric sighed angrily. “Doesn’t matter. Ronnie jus’ hit a nerve. I know he’s hurtin’ right now but he shouldn’t take it out on us. Especially not ya’.”

 “But it does matter. You look really upset. Please … talk to me about it. You’re always … there for me. It’s … my turn now.”

 Another sigh. “Alright … my best mate died on my thirteenth birthday. She was hit by a car.”

 “I … I’m so sorry, Eric.”

 “And the worst part? It was all my fault. I … was so excited ‘bout my party tha’ I kept talkin’ ta’ her, even when she crossed tha’ street ta’ her own house. She looked back at me ta' say somthin’ and didn’t see a car racin’ towards her. She died at the scene.”

 Alan stared at him for a moment. “Why … did you never … tell me this before?”

 “Because … I tried ta’ forgot ‘bout it. Guess ya’ can never really ge’ over losin’ someone so close though.” He moved to lie down on his bed. “Can … we jus’ drop it?”

 “Yes … sorry.”

 “It’s fine … jus’ come and give us a hug … please?” Alan joined him on top of the covers, snuggling into his side. “It’s okay though. As long as I don’t lose ya’, everythin’ will be alright.”

 Alan smiled softly. “That’s … exactly how I feel.”

\---

***Ronald’s Pov***

 Once Eric had left his room, Ronald put his head in his hands and began to cry. “Shit! Wha’ … tha’ fuck did I say tha’ for?! I’m a fuckin’ moron!”

 Claude scooted up next to him, placing a comforting hand on his knee. “It will be okay, Ronald. I’m sure that once Eric has calmed down, everythin’ will be fine.”

 “Yeah … I guess.”

_But nothing is gunna’ be fine. He’ll just wanna’ abandon me now too. Soon … I really will be all alone._


	20. Suicide.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back ground scene from my spin off series, of when Ronald heard that his dad had killed himself.
> 
> [Spin off chap. Ronald's dad's death. ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4610142/chapters/10803710)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda' needed to remind everyone that Claude loves his weed ;)

***No Pov***

 The morning of the next day was spent packing up their belongings; it was time to move to their new home. Claude had only received the keys to his house a few days before, around the same time that Eric had told his parents about his plans for his gap year.

 In the afternoon, Claude arrived in his car to take the boxes from the dorms to his house. It didn’t take many trips, the ex-students having not many belongings. Alan had the most, five boxes being filled with just manga.

 On entering the house, Eric and Alan took a look around. It had looked old from the outside, the semi-detached house being grey bricked. However, inside it was modern with a nice open plan kitchen. The living room also looked contemporary, with cream and light green patterned wallpaper. Old features did remain, a fireplace in the living room and the two main bedrooms. There was also a smaller spare bedroom and two decent sized bathrooms, one upstairs and the other down.

 Walking into the garden, they noticed red roses and a bird table situated in the centre. It was indeed a spacious properly and Eric had asked Claude how he could have afforded such a nice place. He had simply stated that accountants were on a high wage, before going off to smoke some weed. The older man needed to unwind after being stuck in his car for so long, a practice he did not enjoy.

 Once unpacked, Claude handed the other three a copy of the house keys. Ronald eyed the floor, taking the keys and quickly leaving the house without a word.

 “Is he alright?” Eric asked, turning to Claude.

 “No, he is not. He’s worried that you won’t forgive him for his behaviour last night.”

 Eric frowned. “Ay? Seriously?”

 “Yes. I know that he doesn’t act like it but he is quite sensitive.”

 “Yeah. I have noticed tha’ myself at times. I’ll talk ta’ him later.”

 

\----

***Ronald’s Pov***

 He walked quickly down the street, not caring for his destination. He just needed to clear his head. That soon failed, thoughts and worries whirling around in his mind. _No one really likes me. No one ever wants to stay by my side. Not my family and now not my 'friends'. Claude will be next. What’s the point in even being here anymore? And I miss them … I miss my family so much._

_\-----_

***Later that night. No Pov***

 Once Ronald had come back home, he spent the next few hours upstairs in his and Claude’s shared bedroom. He’d locked the door, not wanting anyone to see how upset he was. Later on, he came down to the kitchen to get a bite to eat. “Hey Ronnie, can I ‘ave a word? Eric asked, following him into the room.

 “Yeah, alright.”

 “We’re all good, right? Last night doesn’t change tha’ fact tha’ we’re good friends?”

 Ronald nodded. “Yeah. It’s fine.” With that, he grabbed a pot of yoghurt from the fridge and left.

\-----

*** A few weeks later***

 Everyone in the house had noticed Ronald’s change in personality. He seemed depressed, very depressed. The cheeky attitude had been replaced with quietness and blank expressions. He didn’t laugh anymore; barely smiled. The other three had also noticed another, more worrying change. Ronald had been drinking a lot, spending most nights locked up in his bedroom with a bottle of Vodka as his only company.

 Claude had tried to comfort him but no matter what he said or did, Ronald’s sadness wouldn’t lift. He was becoming extremely concerned, having not ever seen Ronald in such a state.

\--------

 Alan and Eric lay cuddled up in bed. “I’m so worried.” Alan stated.

 “Ya’ mean ‘bout Ronnie?”

 “Yeah. He just … seems so sad.”

 “Hopefully he’ll snap out of it soon. He always bounces back when somethin’ bad happens in his life.”

 “But … he’s lost all of his family now. Did … I bounce back after losing mine?”

 A sigh slipped from Eric. “No, ya’ didn’t but I’m sure he will be alright. It’ll jus’ take some time.”

 “Yeah … it does take time.”

 “But ya’ really are doin’ amazingly. I hope tha’ ya’ proud of ya’self.”

 “I am actually. I … never thought I’d get better. Shows … how much love can do for you. You … you’re my silver lining, Eric. You … always know just what to … say, to make everything okay.”

 Eric pulled him closer. “But even wi’out me, ya’ are so much stronger than ya’ think.”

 “Thank you … Eric. Once again … your words have brought me … happiness that I could never … have imagined.”

\------

***Two days later. No Pov***

 “Fuck y’!” Ronald spat, as he turned on his heels to leave the living room, to get away from an argument that had been going on for half of an hour now. He couldn’t even remember what said argument was about.

 “Can’t you see how worried I am about you?” Claude asked, his usual calmness leaving him. “You have been drinking far too much!”

 “Yeah, well maybe I’m too depressed ta’ deal wi’ life sober!” With that he stormed away, slamming the front door behind him. Claude sighed, sitting down on a chair in the room. He would attempt to speak to him on his return. For now, he rolled a spliff and placed it between his thin lips. Lighting it up, he inhaled the drug, glad for its calming effects.

 Quick paces took Ronald into the centre of town, his vison blurred from tears. He had messed up again. It was the first argument the couple had had in months. Claude would surely leave him now and then he would have nothing left to live for.

\-----

***Later that day.***

 Claude came inside from doing some gardening, to see Eric and Alan cuddling up on the coach watching ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’. Apprehension churned the older man’s gut and he had no idea why. He’d come inside when he felt a shiver run down his spine. Something was very wrong, though he didn’t know what.

 “Has Ronald returned home yet?”

 “Yeah.” Eric stated. “Ages ago. Went upstairs before I could talk ta’ him, though I did see him. Seemed upset ‘bout somethin’.”

 “Oh.” Claude quickly moved to the stairs. Walking up them, he banged on his bedroom door. “Ronald, open up!” He received no reply and so tried the handle. It was locked. “Ronald, open the blasted door!”

 The stairs creaked and Eric and Alan soon appeared by his side. “Somethin’ tha’ matter?” Eric asked, having heard Claude shouting from above him.

 “Ronald won’t answer the door!”

 “Maybe … he’s just … sleeping.” Alan said.

 Claude shook his head quickly. “No. Something is very wrong. I can feel it.” He banged on the door again. “Open the door this instant!” He stepped back and kicked the wood. It didn’t budge. “Ronald, for the love of God, answer me!”

 “Let me try.” Eric stated, his own panic beginning to surface. He kicked it, his strong footballer’s legs breaking the door open. Claude rushed inside and froze on the spot.

 Ronald was limp on the floor, several empty packs of various sleeping pills and painkillers surrounding him.


	21. After math.

 His eyes fluttered open, before the brightness of the room made him squint. “Hn … wha’ tha’ hell?”

 The person holding his hand in theirs spoke. “Ronald. Thank goodness you’re awake.”

 “Where tha’ hell am I?”

 “In the hospital.” Claude stated.

 Ronald frowned. “Huh?” and then coughed. “Ugh … my throats hurts.”

 “Yes, I can imagine. They had to pump your stomach.” Seeing Ronald’s frown deepen, he continued. “You overdosed last night … do you not remember?”

 “Shit. Yeah … I remember now.”

 Claude shook his head. “Ronald, you fool. All this talk of people leaving you and then you go trying to leave me.”

 A few tears slipped from Claude’s eyes. Ronald stared at him, having never seen him cry. Claude was never a man to get emotional.

 “Don’t cry babe. Please.”

 “How can I not? Do you think it was fun to see you unconscious on the floor like that? I thought I had lost you.”

 “I’m sorry babe. I … wasn’t thinkin’ straight.”

 “Obviously you were not, taking so many paracetamol. That can cause serious harm to your liver and what if I hadn’t of found you until later? Those sleeping pills are very dangerous, do you realise that?” Tears dripped down onto Ronald’s hand.

 “I kno-.”

 “And do you realise that I can’t live without you?!” Claude composed him, steadying his voice again. “Don’t ever do that again. You’re too precious to do such things to yourself.”

 “I know … I said tha’ I wasn’t thinkin’ straight.”

 “So you’re not thinking of trying again?”

 Ronald smiled softly. “Na. I don’t think tha’ booze helped ta’ be honest. I was jus’, well …”

 “Well what?”

 The teenager’s smile faded again. “I was jus’ worried tha’ y’ would leave me. ‘Cause of tha’ argument.”

 “I’d never leave you. Please be sure of that and I know I’m not always the easiest man to talk about feelings with but you can always come to me for help. I hope you know that.”

 He moved his hand from Claude’s to cup his cheek. “Thanks babe. I love ya’.”

 Claude nuzzled his face against the younger’s palm. “I love you too. I should go alert the medical staff about you regaining consciousness. I know Alan and Eric would like to see you too.”

\---

***A while later***

 Eric and Alan entered Ronald’s hospital room. “Hey buddy, how ya’ feelin’?” The blonde asked.

 “I’m alright. Wait … where’s Claude?”

 “He … went home. Eric … told him too, he looked exhausted.” Alan replied.

 “Oh, okay.”

 “But it’s alright mate, we’re here ta’ keep ya’ company.” Eric moved to sit on the chair by Ronald’s bed, Alan following to sit on the edge of it. “Seriously, ya’ two are gunna’ give me a heart attack one day.” Eric joked.

 “Haha yeah. True tha’. Did tha’ doctors say when they’ll be lettin’ me outta’ here?”

 “Tomorrow I think. They probs wanna’ ge’ tha’ crisis team in ta’ see ya’.”

 “Great.” Ronald sighed.

 “Don't worry 'bout it too much for now, it'll be fine. Anyway, I’m gunna’ go ge’ somethin’ ta’ eat before all tha’ shops shut. Want anythin’, Al?”

 “No, I’m okay … thanks.”

 Eric left the room and Alan turned to Ronald. “Are … you sure you’re okay?”

 “Yeah. Was jus’ worryin’ over nothin’ I guess.”

 “Like … what?”

 “Claude leavin’ me but it’s okay … I don’t think he will now. Jus’ insecurities I guess. Hey … Al?”

 “Yeah?”

 Ronald scratched the back of his head. “It’s lonely ain’t it? Wi’out y’ family I mean.”

 “It … can be at times.”

 “Does it ever ge’ better? Tha’ feelin’ of loss?”

 “Yeah … it does.”

 “That’s good then. It’s kinda’ nice ta’ know tha’ someone understands how I’m feelin’. We’re kinda’ in tha’ same boat now.”

 “True but it’s not all bad.” Alan smiled softly. “We both have people who … mean the world to us. I know … that Claude will always be there for you. It’s easy to see that he loves you … even if you can’t see it sometimes.”

 Ronald beamed. “Yeah , y’ ‘ave a point. Thanks buddy.”

\-----

***Two days later.***

 Ronald had been released from hospital the day before, the crisis team saying that he just seemed to be under stress. Everyone was gathered in the living room; William, Grell, Adrian, Sebastian and Alisha having come to Claude’s for a house warming celebration.

 “This house is so nice!” Alisha squealed.

 “Yeah, I know it is.” Ronald stated, winking at her. “So when are y’ goin’ back home?”

 “I’m not. Me and Angelina are going to rent a place from now on.”

 “You can afford that?” Adrian giggled.

 “Well Angelina is from a wealthy family. I was going to move back home until I started university but she told me to move in with her.”

 “So … are things going well between her and Luna?” Alan asked.

 Alisha grinned. “Why don’t you just ask her yourself, Mr best friend?”

 “She got ya’ there, Al.” Eric laughed.

 The conversation continued in such a way, revealing that Grell and William were now living at his house, the same going for Adrian and Sebastian. The silver haired teenager was planning to continue studying, his attention focused on becoming a mortician in the future. Grell and Alisha were both going to take a break from studying until the year later and then find an art course to apply to somewhere in the city.

\---

 That night, Eric returned to the living room after a shower. He found Alan painting something on a large canvas. “Hey Al, wha’ ya’ doin’?”

 Alan turned around from the painting to smile at him. “A commission for someone online.”

 Eric took a step closer to eye the painting. “A commission? Wha’ is tha’ thing?”

 “Yeah. Mr Spears told me … about a website where people will pay you to do … artwork for them. Like to hang on the wall of their home … or something. This is something someone asked me for yesterday. A piece which is a merge between … something from Attack On Titan and Tokyo Ghoul.”

 “Awesome. Hope they like it.”

 “Well I sent them … a picture of it so far and they do. Someone else brought a piece I did months ago. I … just need to ship it over to them now.”

 “That’s great, babe! See ya’ really are talented at wha’ ya’ do.”

 “Thank you … Eric.”

 “So has anyone else asked for pieces?”

 “Quite a few … actually.”

 Eric smiled. “Imagine tha’ manga tha’ you’ll be able ta’ afford now.”

 Alan giggled. “Very true.”


	22. Ghost tours.

***A few days later.***

 “Eric.” Alan said, his voice shaking.

 “Yeah? Somethin’ tha’ matter?”

 “No … the voices … they have gone completely.”

 “Really?”

 “Yes. I know they might come back but for now they are leaving … me alone.” Alan smiled. “I … I feel so happy.”

 Eric pulled him into a hug. “I’m happy for ya’ too, babe.”

 “Can … we go out for cake?”

 “Tha’ sounds good.”

\---

 Later that day, Alan put his phone down on the arm of the sofa that he and Eric were sitting on. “Luna … said that everything is going well with Angelina.”

 “Awesome.”

 “It’s nice … that everyone has found someone that makes them happy.”

 “True. Jus’ need ta’ set Alisha up wi’ someone now.” Eric said, smirking.

 Alan giggled. “Yeah … you have a point.”

 “I’m gunna’ go ge’ somethin’ ta’ eat anyway, want anythin’?”

 “No. I’m … okay thanks. Still full from … the cake.”

 “Alright.” Eric walked to the kitchen to get a slice of left over pizza from the fridge. Just then, his phone went off.

 Lunaboo123: Hey!

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Hey, what’s up?

 Lunaboo123: Not much, you?

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Nothing really, quite quiet today.

 Lunaboo123: Ah, that sucks. So I have some news but you can’t tell Alan, okay? I want it to be a surprise.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Sure?

 Lunaboo123: I’m moving up to Edinburgh with Alisha and Angelina.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Awesome! I bet that would make Al happy. When are you moving?

 Lunaboo123: Monday. Anyway I have to go now. Don’t tell Alan a thing. I want it to be a surprise.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Na, I won’t, don’t worry.

 Eric put his phone back in his pocket, smiling. Luna would be in the city in three day’s time.

\----

***The next Tuesday***

 Luna had messaged Eric, asking for the address to their house. In the afternoon, there was a knock at the door and Eric answered it. She put her finger in front of her mouth and Eric nodded. She had told him that she wanted to surprise Alan. Following Eric into the living room, she found Alan engrossed in a manga comic.

 Tip-toeing behind the sofa, she bent down next to Alan’s ear. “Boo!”

 Alan jumped half a foot off of the sofa, before turning around. “Luna? What … are you doing here? I … didn’t think you were coming … to visit.”

 Luna moved to sit next to him on the sofa. “I’m not visiting. I’m living in Edinburgh now.”

 “With … Alisha?”

 “Yep.”

 A wide smile spread across Alan’s face. “That’s … amazing.”

 “Just like old times, right?”

 “Yeah … it was a nice surprise.”

 The rest of the day was spent hanging out with Luna in Edinburgh and then the three of them went to watch a film at the cinema. Luna then left to go back to her home and so did Alan and Eric. It was getting late when they got back and Ronald then ordered them all Chinese food.

 Eric was glad to see that Alan ate most of it, just like he had been doing with all of the food they had eaten since moving in to their new home. After that, they went up to bed, Alan leaving the room to go to the bathroom, so he could change without Eric seeing his scars.

 Once snuggled in bed, Eric asked “Are tha’ voice still gone babe?”

 “Yeah … thankfully. Things … are finally getting better, aren’t they?”

 “They really are. Are ya’ feelin’ better in ya’self though?”

 “Yeah … I think I’m starting … to get over what happened with Jacob.”

 “That’s awesome.”

 “I think it … helps that I have people who want to pay for my … artwork. It … keeps me busy.”

 “Yeah I ge’ wha’ ya’ mean. I need ta’ find a part time job, I think. Jus’ somthin’ ta’ do until I go ta’ uni.”

 Alan yawned, tiredness beginning to take him. “What … kind of job?”

 “Dunno. Sales assistant or somethin’. I’ll have ta’ ge’ a CV sorted out.”

 “Yeah … true. Oh, I forgot. Luna messaged me when we were … having dinner. She wants to go on … one of those ghosts tours.”

 “But ya’ don’t like tha’ dark?”

 “But … if you come … then I’ll feel safe.

 “Alright. When do ya’ wanna’ go?”

 “Tomorrow?”

 Eric kissed the top of Alan’s head. “Sure.”

\----

 Eric had booked the tour up that morning, before making a CV and getting it printed. He then went to hand them out at the shops on the high street, while Luna and Alan watched DVD’s at his house.

 On the night, they met up with Luna around 9pm to start the tour. It was beginning to get dark and Alan gripped Eric’s hand tightly for some security. The tour group then travelled to the underground vaults, where they heard scary stories of torture and murder in the vaults. One bit of information made Alan’s stomach churn. Criminals who were being questioned would sometimes have a heated metal cage embedded in the skin of their stomach, which contained a rat. In order to get away from the heat, the rats would burrow out of the cage and right into the person stomach.

 They moved into the next room of the vault, which was colder than the last. Half way through the tour guide speaking, Alan began to feel dizzy. Eric looked at him, seeing his skin turning paler in the low light of the room. “Ya’ alright babe?”

 Alan felt his vision begin to blur. “I … I’m fine, just feel-.” Everything faded to black and he hit the ground with a loud thump.

 “Al? Alan?!”


	23. Spin the bottle.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some fan service for the readers ;)

 A mug of hot chocolate was placed on the bedside table. "Ya' sure ya' alright, babe?" Eric asked.

 Alan sat up in bed. "Yeah ... I'm fine. Must have just ... had a funny turn."

 "Well ya' definitely gave me and Luna a scare. Maybe tha' tour guide was right 'bout a ghost gettin' ta' ya'."

 "Maybe. It's nice to know ... that I wasn't ... the only one to faint ... in that vault room." Alan said, giggling softly at the end of his sentence.

 "True. Ya' sure ya' alright though? Ya' sure ya' don't want ta' go ta' tha' doctors?"

 "I'm ... sure. Eric?"

 Eric moved under the covers next to Alan. "Hmm?"

 "Thanks ... for caring about me ... so much."

 "I always will, Al."

 Alan smiled, before picking up the mug and blowing on the warm liquid to cool it down. Taking a sip, his eyes lit up. "Wow. You ... make a good hot choc, Eric."

\----

 It was now the end of October and everything was going well. Eric had just started a part time job at Waterstones, being in 10-3 on four week days. Getting a discount on Alan's manga books was a definite bonus.

 The voices hadn't returned and Alan had settled into a normal eating routine. He also seemed more confident and less frightened. Structuring his day out seemed to be helping to keep his mind off of past horrors.

 An early breakfast before Eric went to work and then working on an art piece until he came home for a late lunch. Afternoons were spent hanging out with either Luna or Ronald, until Claude got home around 6pm.

 Then waiting until the two loves birds shut up from their position in Claude’s bedroom, so they could either order take out or Eric could cook them all something. Being a good cook was something he had kept a secret.

 Most nights were then spent playing video games with Ronald or relaxing watching films with Eric. Holding the console could be awkward at times, Alan still having not regained the feeling in two of his fingers. It didn't help when they were playing a horror themed game and something jumped out at them on the screen, making Alan drop the damn thing.

 Every night before bed, Alan would have hot chocolate, regardless of if it was hot outside. Most nights in September were spent sleeping on top of the bed covers for that very reason.

 Ronald also seemed to have cheered up. He'd stayed away from alcohol, apart from when everyone gathered for drinks at the house and was back to being the cheeky young man he had always been.

\----

 It was now Halloween and the house was decorated from top to toe with pumpkins and paper cut out skeletons. A party was about to begin and Alan came downstairs dressed as a vampire.

 "Lookin' good, babe." Eric smiled.

 "Thanks, you too." Alan replied, taking in Eric's torn clothes that made up his zombie costume. "I have ... a question."

 "What's tha'?"

 "What is spin the bottle? Ronnie ... mentioned something about playing ... it at the ... party tonight."

 "Oh. Well it's where ya' spin tha' bottle and whoever it lands on ya' 'ave ta' snog."

 A slight blush crept across Alan's cheeks. "Oh."

 "But we can sit it out if ya' want."

 To Eric's surprise, Alan smiled. "No, I ... don't mind. I mean, if ... you don't mind me kissing. .. other people."

 "Well it's up ta' ya'. I don't mind, I would probs enjoy watchin' ta' be fair."

 Alan's blush darkened. "Yeah ... me too. I think you ... would look kind of hot."

 "Jus' hope ya' don't ge' Luna. Tha' would be awkward."

 "It really ... would."

\----

 Everyone had turned up for the party that night, William and Grell, Sebastian and Adrian, Alisha and Luna, as well as Angelina, who no one had met before. Still, she seemed nice and Alan could tell that she made Luna happy.

 As the night dragged on, Ronald and Grell had had a fair bit to drink. "Who wants ta' play spin tha' bottle?" Ronald shouted across the room.

 Everyone raced over to where he was standing and they then all sat on the floor of the living room in a circle, bottle in the centre of them. "I'm goin' first." Ronald stated, winking. He span the bottle and it ended up pointing at Adrian, who laughed loudly.

 Ronald crawled over to him, pressing his lips to the other's. Tongues met, Ronald tangling his fingers in silver locks. They pulled away, panting heavily.

 Claude span it next and it pointed at Sebastian. They just looked at each other, before Ronald said "Well go on then, don't be shy." Claude smirked at his partner, before moving over to Sebastian and pushing him back against the floor. Ronald watched them, becoming aroused as they shared a passionate kiss.

 Next to spin was William, who also paired with Sebastian. William gave him a quick peck on the lips and was about to pull away, when Sebastian grabbed the back of his head and kissed him deeply. "That's my Will!" Grell cooed. William ended up on top of him, hips grinding against the other's.

 They finally parted and it was Eric's turn. He ended up spinning the bottle at Ronald. "Well mate, this should be fun." He said, smirking. Alan watched, his face heating up at seeing them snog.

 The bottle was spun countless times, Claude ending up with Grell, Adrian and Luna. Alan had to look away at that part, not wanting to see her with her tongue down anyone's throat.

 Eric ended up with Ronald again, and then Luna, which was kind of awkward, before being paired with Claude. He was as good a kisser as Eric remembered. 

 Grell got to kiss Sebastian, Angelina and Alisha, jumping into their laps as soon as the bottle stopping spinning.

 It was then Luna's turn and the bottle stopped on Angelina. "I do not want to see that!" Alisha shouted, pulling a face. "It's you turn, Alan."

 "Umm ... okay." Alan spun it and it ended up pointing at Ronald. He moved over to him and wrapped his arms around Ronald's neck, kissing him deeply. Ronald's hands moved to grab Alan's bottom and Eric felt his pants grow tight.

 He only became more aroused later in the night, when Alan got paired with Sebastian. Watching your ex and your boyfriend kissing was somehow hot to watch.

\----

 Later that night, most of the guests had left and once the couple had changed into their bed clothes, they slid under the covers. A loud moan could be heard from Ronald's room. Grell had convinced William to get in bed with Ronald and Claude.

 "They ... sound like they're having ...fun." Alan said, snuggling up to Eric."

 "Yeah, they do."

 Alan slung a leg over Eric and felt an erection pressing against it. "Umm ... Eric. Do you have ... a little problem there?"

 "Shit ... sorry, Al." Eric said, worried that he may have frightened his partner.

 "Do ... you want me to ... sort you out?"

 "Wha'?"

 "You ... know. Touch you?" Alan said quietly.

 "Ya' don't 'ave ta', babe."

 "But ... I want to. I want to ... make you feel good."

 Eric hugged him tightly. "Ya' sure ya' okay doin' tha'?

 Alan nodded. "It's been ... months since Jacob. I ... I'm ready ... to do that, at least."

 "Alright if ... ya' sure." Eric took Alan's hand rubbing over his pj bottoms as a yes.

\----

 Once done, Eric had done the same to Alan and they now lay snuggled up tightly under the sheets. "Ya' enjoy tha', babe?"

 "It felt ... nice. Always does ... when it's with you."

 "Good. I love ya'."

 "I love you too, so much."


	24. He will have my blessing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this series will be finished in the next 5 chapters or so.

 Eric pushed open the door to his house and entered the living room, stopping dead when he saw Ronald riding on top of Claude, who was dressed in a Santa suit. Some things never did change. It was now a few days before Christmas and Eric had just finished his last day of work, for five days. Later on that day, Eric and Alan would be travelling back down to Kent, to spend Christmas with Eric’s family. The couple had decided to wait until they got back to their home to exchange gifts.

 Turning back around from the eyesore quickly, he headed up the stairs and into his bedroom. Alan was sat reading a manga on the bed. “Hey babe, ya’ all packed?”

 “Yes. Did … you walk in on them too?”

 “Who, Ronnie and Claude? Yeah … I got an eyeful.”

 Alan looked away. “Maybe … one day we’ll be able to do … stuff like that.”

 Eric moved over to the bed, cupping Alan’s chin and tilting his head to look at him. “There’s no rush, babe. Ya’ know tha’. I’m fine waitin’ until ya’ completely ready.”

 “Thank … you, Eric. I … I think that I will be ready … soon though.”

 Eric kissed him on top of the head, before pulling away. “Well when ya’ feel like it, lemme’ know.”

 Alan giggled. “Yeah … I will, don’t worry.”

\----

 Late that night, they arrived at Eric’s house. Sharon opened the door and beamed at the two young men. “It’s so good to see you, Eric. You too, Alan, you’re looking so well.”

 “Thank … you.” Alan stammered, as Sharon moved out the way to let them carry their luggage inside.

 Once unpacked, they went downstairs to watch some television. Eric’s sister wasn’t at home, instead spending the night at her boyfriends. They exchanged small talk, until Alan’s eyes began to drift shut and he leaned his head against Eric’s shoulder. “Looks like ya’ need sleep, Al.” Eric said, before standing up from the sofa and scooping Alan up into his arms. He said goodnight to his parents and then took Alan up to bed.

 After a minute or so, Sharon turned to Matthew. “Alan sure looks a lot better.”

 Matthew nodded. “He does. I was wrong about him after all, he really has done well.”

 “Eric looks happy too. It so nice to see them together, both looking so well.”

 “Yes, how long have they been together now?”

 Sharon thought for a moment. “Erm … about two years, I think.”

 “It wouldn’t surprise me if Eric asks Alan to marry him soon.”

 Sharon gasped, before smiling. “Do you really think so?”

 “You have seen the way he looks at that boy. He’s obviously head over heels in love with him.”

 “That is very true.”

 “And before you ask, yes, he will have my blessing.”

\----

 The Christmas celebrations had gone well. To Alan’s surprise, Eric’s parents had brought him a large box of luxury chocolates. The boy had gone bright red and spluttered a thank you, while Eric laughed at him. They had gone Boxing Day shopping the next day and Alan had brought them a big bottle of wine in return, Eric telling him that it was his parent’s favourite alcoholic beverage.

 The day after, they returned home, Alan giving Biscuit a big hug before leaving. On the train back up to Edinburgh, Eric text Ronald. ‘Did you get the present for Alan?’

 ‘Yeah, picked it up Xmas eve.’

 ‘Cool, thanks. We’ll be back in an hour or so.’

 ‘Where do you want me to put the pressie?’

 ‘Kitchen, thanks mate.’

 ‘No probs.’

\---

 Once they got back to their home, Eric turned to Alan. “I have a surprise for ya’. It’s waitin’ in tha’ kitchen.”

 “Oh … okay.”

 Alan moved to open the kitchen door and gasped, as a large German Shepherd ran over to him, waging its tail.

 “Do ya’ like him, babe?”

 Alan bent down to pet the dog. “I do … when … how did you …?”

 “Ronnie picked him up for me when we were at mine. The dog’s home said that he had had a rough start but tha’ he’s a loveable pup.”

 Alan smiled sadly. “The past of someone doesn’t matter … they can … all have a happy ending. That … ending is … all that counts, right?”

 “Yeah, that’s true.” Eric replied, understanding what Alan was trying to say.

 “He’ll be happy, just … like I am now.”

 “He will, wha’ do ya’ wanna’ call him?”

 “Titan.” Alan said, a wide smile appearing on his face.

 “Titan it is.” Eric turned to the dog. “Well Titan, welcome ta' tha’ family.”


	25. Ready.

 Later that night, Titan was lying in front of the fire, as Eric and Alan unwrapped their Christmas presents. Alan unwrapped a gift from Ronald and went bright red, before showing Eric the item. It was a tiny black thong, the crotch being red and covered in sequins.

 “Well tha’ wouldn’t cover a fat lot.” Eric said, laughing.

 Alan threw it at him and it landed on his head, making Alan laugh too. “Let’s see … what he got you.”

 Eric unwrapped his own present. “Bloody hell!”

 “What … is it?”

 “Erm …” Eric lifted up a box, with the title ‘hog ties’ written on it. “Ronnie sure is a kinky bastard.”

 “Yes … he is. He … doesn’t think … we would use those … things, does he?”

 “Na, he’s jus’ messin’.”

 They opened the rest of their gifts, having gotten chocolate from Claude and a lynx set from Grell and William. Adrian and Sebastian had gotten them a calendar filled with topless muscle men. “I … like this ... one.” Alan said, showing Eric the one photograph.

 “Ya’ got a thing for blondes then, huh?” Eric asked and Alan blushed, nodding his head.

 “But … I have eyes … only for you.”

 “Same here, babe.”

 Eric had brought Alan lots more comics, clearing out most of the shelf at his work. Alan had gotten Eric football merchandise and his favourite chocolate. They then went to bed, Alan drinking a hot chocolate before falling to sleep. Titan had been brought to bed with them, Alan being sandwiched between him and Eric.

 Eric woke up a few hours later to see Alan whimpering, curled into his side. The boy woke with a start a few minutes later, also waking Titan up. “Al, ya’ alright?”

 “Yes … just … had a nightmare again.” Titan stood up in bed, bending down to lick Alan’s face and making him giggle. “But … it’s okay. I feel … safer now that … I have both you and Titan to protect me.” He fell asleep a short time later and never suffered another nightmare again.

\---

 The next day, Eric came home to find Alan not in his usual spot in the living room painting. He checked the kitchen but he wasn’t there either. Walking up the stairs, he found Alan sitting on the bed. “Wha’ ya’ doin’ up here, babe?”

 “Come … and sit by me, please.”

 “Sure.” Eric moved to sit next to him, pulling him into a sideways hug. “Ya’ feelin’ alright, babe?”

 “I … I’ve been thinking …”

 “Okay?”

 “I … I’m ready … to be intimate with you.” He said, looking Eric in the eyes.

 “Oh. Are ya’ sure?”

 “I … am. Can we?”

 Eric studied him for a moment, before speaking again. “Are … ya’ really sure though? Wi’ wha’ happened wi’ Jacob and all tha’?”

 Alan looked away and then back at Eric. “It’s been … nine months since that happened. I know … that you … won’t hurt me like that. I … know that you love me. I … want to leave the past where it belongs … and move on.”

 “Then we can.” Eric said, smiling. He pulled Alan into a deep kiss, before pulling away again. “Do ya’ want ta’ do it … now?”

 “Please.”

 “And if ya’ feel uncomfortable, jus’ tell me ta’ stop and I will.”

 “I know … thank you.” He pressed his lips against Eric’s again, hands sliding up the bottom of his shirt slowly. Eric pulled him closer, lying down on the bed. Alan moved on top of him, his fingers rubbing over his nipples and arousing him.

 Eric’s hands slid down to the curve in Alan’s back, hips rocking up softly against the smaller man’s, earning a small moan from him. After a few minutes of kissing, he rolled them over, lips trailing to Alan’s neck and sucking on the skin gently, Alan’s hands moving up Eric’s back. “Hmm … Eric … it feels nice.”

 Eric pulled back to look at him. “Ya’ sure ‘bout this?” Alan nodded, his face slightly flushed. “Want me ta’ draw tha’ curtains?”

 “Please … most of the way. I want … to see your face. Can … we get under the covers too?”

 “Sure.”

 “Just … kiss me for a while longer.” Eric complied, pressing his lips back to Alan’s, tongue sliding between parted lips. His hand slid between them, rubbing softly against Alan’s clothed erection. The brunette’s nails dug into the skin of his back lightly, hips pressing up.

 Eric then moved away, drawing the curtains, letting only a small streak out light illuminate the room. He rummaged in the drawer for some lube, before finding it and making his way back over to Alan, who had just slid under the covers.

 Eric got under the covers too, shifting down between his legs to unbutton Alan’s jeans. “Eric?”

 “Yeah?”

 “Can I keep my jumper on?”

 “Sure.”

 “You … can take yours off … though, if you want.”

 Eric smiled at him. “Good … if not I’d probably overheat.”

 Alan giggled. “You’d … be panting like … Titan.”

 “Tha’ I would.” He pulled Alan’s jeans down, who then kicked them off. Eric kissed over Alan’s underwear, before his fingers reached for the waistband. Sliding them down slowly, he placed kisses along Alan’s hipbones.

 “Eric?”

 “Yeah?”

 “You … can’t see me scars, can you?”

 “Na. Too dark under here.”

 “Okay.” Alan’s underwear was then removed and Eric slid down further, pressing his lips against the inside of Alan’s thigh. He moaned softly, hand slipping down to tangle in Eric’s hair. The blonde spent a long time on kisses and small touches, before shifting back up to suck on Alan’s neck again. The smaller man tugged on his T-shirt, which was then removed. His trousers and underwear followed minutes later, after Eric had pulled the top of Alan’s jumper down to caress his lips over the brunette’s collar bones.

 He reached for the lube, coating his fingers, as he rubbed his crotch down on Alan’s, who moaned softly at the wonderful friction. Kissing Alan again, his fingers rubbed against Alan’s entrance. He tensed slightly, before relaxing again. Alan turned his head. “Okay … I’m ready.”

 “Alright.” He slid the first finger inside slowly, moving it in and out. “Ya’ okay?”

 “Yeah” Alan’s head pressed back into the pillow, a cute moan slipping from his mouth, as Eric pressed his finger against his spot. “Ah … Eric.” The blonde looked down at him, loving the way Alan’s eyes had slipped halfway shut, his mouth parted slightly as he continued to vocalise his pleasure. He looked adorable, even in this instance.

 Eric slid the second finger inside, stretching the tight muscles. Alan’s fingers dug into his back again, more soft noises coming from him.

 Eric pressed his mouth back against Alan’s, distracting him with a tender kiss as he pushed the third finger inside. Alan pressed down onto his hand, groans muffled between their lips. After more gentle preparation, Eric removed his fingers and grabbed the spare pillow next to the one Alan was lying against.

 He sat up between Alan’s legs, raising his hips and slipping the pillow under them. He lubed himself up and looked down at Alan, who nodded slightly for him to continue. He held his hips softly and lined himself up. As he pressed himself against Alan’s entrance, he heard a sharp intake of breath and felt Alan tense, before he began to shake.

 “We should leave it for today.” Eric said, letting go of Alan’s hips and moving away to stand up from the bed.

 “No … no, I’m fine. Really.” Alan stammered. Eric could hear the panic in his voice.

 “Ya’ not ready, Al. Ya’ wouldn’t 'ave started shakin’ if ya’ was.”

 “But …” Alan’s voice started to crack and Eric slid back under the covers at his side.

 “But nothin’, Al. It …was wrong of me … ta’ listen ta’ ya.”

 Alan looked at him, confusion and hurt crossing his features. “To … listen to me?”

 “’Bout ya’ bein’ ready, babe. Maybe soon, but not yet. I know ya’ well enough by now ta’ tell if somethin’ scares ya’ and ya’ looked terrified jus’ now.”

 Alan rolled over, to press his face to Eric’s chest. “No ... I- You … you’re right. I’m sorry.”

 “Wha’ for?”

 “For … letting you down. For getting … your hopes up about doing it and then not being … able to.”

 “It’s fine, Al. Ya’ know I don’t care ‘bout sex. Tha’ only thing tha’ I care ‘bout is ya’ happiness.”

 “Really? You’re … not annoyed with me?”

 “No, never will be.”

 Alan nodded against his chest. “Thank you.” His next words pained Eric. “Thank you … for stopping. No one … else would have, they … would have just … done it anyway.”


	26. William likes to share.

 They stayed silent for a while, before Eric asked. “Hey Al?”

 “Yeah?”

 “Want me ta’ stick my clothes back on? I’m still kinda’ naked here.”

 “No. It’s fine … we’ve took baths together before … remember?”

 “I had my boxers on then, remember?”

 Alan snuggled into him more. “I don’t mind. You’re … nice and warm.”

 “Like a teddy bear, right?”

 “Uh – huh, hairy … like one too.”

 “Oi!”

\-----

 It was now New Year’s Eve and the two couples were gathered in the city, watching the fireworks like they had last year. “This … year really is going to be better … than the last.” Alan stated, a small smile on his face.

 “It really is, babe.”

 Walking back to their house, Alan spoke again. “We … will have to sort out the applications for our university courses … soon.”

 “Ah, yeah. Ya’ gunna’ ‘ave ta’ keep remindin’ me ‘bout tha’ or I’ll end up forgettin’ again.”

 “Have you decided … which course you want to do yet?”

 “Yeah … pharmacy. Wha’ ‘bout ya’?”

 “Art.”

 “Sweet.”

\----

 They spent New Year’s day just relaxing at home, Alan finishing a new piece of art and getting it boxed up to ship down to someone in London. The next day, Eric finished work and headed to the supermarket, grabbing some chocolate chips, butter, bicarbonate of soda, brown sugar and flour.

 Getting home, he found Alan in the living room. “Hey, babe. Fancy bakin’ some cookies wi’ me?”

 “Sure … what kind?”

 “Chocolate chip.”

 “Yummy, they won’t … last long in this house.”

 “Haha, tell me ‘bout it.”

 Eric moved to the kitchen, pre heating the oven and getting out a baking tray, lining it with baking paper. He grabbed Claude’s pink apron, turned on the radio and got the sugar and butter, weighing it out. “Umm … Eric. What do … I do now? I haven’t … baked anything before.”

 “Mix tha’ butter and sugar together.” Alan did as instructed and Eric headed to the fridge to grab a egg. “Now beat tha’ egg in.”

 “Umm … you should do that. If … I get it on my hands, it’ll make me itch.”

 “Oh yeah, shit. Ya’ gunna’ be alright ta’ eat these?”

 “Yeah … I’m fine, as long as it’s not … a whole egg, remember?”

 “Ah, of course.” Eric then told him how much flour to weigh out and to sieve the bicarbonate of soda with it. Once that and the chocolate chips were added to the mixture, Alan spooned it out into small mounds on the baking tray.

 “How … long do they take to cook?”

 “’Bout ten mins. Umm … ya’ still got a load in ya’ bowl.”

 Alan smiled. “I know … I want to eat it. I’ve never tried cookie … dough before but I’ve heard it’s nice.”

 “Really?”

 Alan’s smile faded. “Mom never had chance … to ever bake with us. She was too busy … trying to get my dad help.”

 “Then eat away. Ya’ probably gunna’ ge’ sugar rush though.” Eric smirked, trying to move on from the troubling statement, as he put the tray in the oven.

 Alan tried some, his eyes lighting up. “Oh … wow. It’s so good!” Once he had gobbled up the mix, he held his stomach. “Ugh … I feel sick.”

 “Told ya’, sugar rush.” Alan sat down on the chair, waiting for the sick feeling to pass, as well as waiting for the cookies to be done. Once baked, they waited for them to cool and then stacked them onto a large plate, before Alan took them to the living room.

 Eric followed him, only to hear the plate crash to the floor. “Al, are ya’-.” He stopped mid-sentence, when he saw what Alan was staring at. William looked up from the sofa, his glasses askew. Claude was in between his legs, banging him roughly.

 “Oh … hello, Alan.” William said calmly.

 “Wha’ tha’ hell?!” Eric shouted. “Where’s Ronnie?”

 They then heard a moan and then a voice from behind the sofa. “Right here.” And then Grell’s voice. “Will found that he enjoys sharing quite a lot, ever since Halloween. Oohh … Ronnie. That’s it darling … bite me right there.”

 Eric looked down at the ruined cookies and then back over to Alan, who was bright red. Seeing your ex teacher naked was never a good thing. “Could ‘ave at least gone upstairs.” It looked as if they would have to go back to the grocery store. More chocolate chips were needed.


	27. Dick rings and murder.

 It was now the beginning of February and Alan and Eric had spent every Saturday between January and now baking. “Wha’ we bakin’ today, babe?” Eric asked.

 “Hmm … can we try carrot cake? We have all the ingredients. We … will just have to leave the orange peel out, so … that I don’t have an allergic reaction.” Alan said, flicking to a page in the cooking book he was holding.

 “Sure.”

 They mixed the ingredients, the kitchen soon becoming a mess with flour everywhere, including in Alan’s and Eric’s hair. Once the cake was in the oven, Ronald walked into the room. “Hmm … tha’ smells hella’ good, when’s it gunna’ be done?”

 “In an hour. We need ta’ ice it, once it’s done cookin’.” Eric replied.

 “Ah, okay.” Ronald left the room, returning five minutes later. “Is it done yet?”

 “No.”

 “Alright.” He left and then came back ten minutes later. “How ‘bout now?”

 “No!”

 “But I’m hungry!”

 Eric stormed passed him and into the living room. “Claude, will ya’ stop givin’ Ronnie weed when we’re tryin’ ta’ cook?!” Claude just looked at him, spliff in hand. “Ya’ do this on purpose, don’t ya? Every Saturday, he comes in tha’ kitchen high.”

 Ronald came into the room then and Claude smirked at him. “Have you been a bad boy, Ronald? Pestering Eric like that?”

 “But I’ve got tha’ munchies, man!” Ronald sulked.

 Eric glared at him. “How can ya’ still keep havin’ tha’ munchies, when ya’ ‘ave been smokin’ tha’ shit for years?!”

 “Hey! It’s not my fault tha’ Claude gets tha’ strong stuff!”

 “Ronald.” Claude stated calmly and the teenager looked at him. “Such a bad boy.” His smirk grew. “Bedroom, now.” Ronald grinned at him, before racing up the stairs. Claude quickly followed.

 Eric sighed in relief, before returning to the kitchen. _Thank God for that. Some peace and quiet, at last. Well, until Ronnie starts screaming from upstairs._ Alan turned around to face him, cake mix stuck up one cheek. “Umm … ya’ got tha’ mix on ya’ kisser.”

 Alan blushed, before wiping it off. “I … need to get a haircut.”

 “Why?” Eric asked, eyeing him. His haired had grown to just above his shoulders, framing his face. _It looks so cute though!_

 “Because I can’t see what … I’m trying to paint.” He said, brushing his fringe from in front of his glasses.

 “Yeah, ya’ do ‘ave a point. How’s ‘bout I treat ya’ ta’ a haircut on Valentine’s Day?”

 Alan beamed at him. “That … would be lovely. Thank you, Eric.” _Even after all this time, that smile still melts my heart._

 

\-----

***No Pov***

 Valentine’s Day came and everyone went out on a large group date; lunch in a posh restaurant. The only person not present was Alisha, who had recently found herself a boyfriend, though no one knew his name. They all tucked into their food, exchanging small talk. Once done, the couples parted ways and Eric took Alan to have his hair cut. He came out with it cut to just below his ears, pink streaks in his fringe. “Do you … like it?” Alan asked nervously.

 “Adorable.” Eric smiled, before pulling him into a deep kiss.

 Once parted, Alan spoke again. “Eric?”

 “Hmm?”

 “Can … I get my lip pierced? I’ve always … wanted to get it done.”

 “Sure.” Eric pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Hang on, I ‘ave an idea.” He text Ronald. ‘Hey, fancy getting your nipples pierced with me?’

 ‘Hell yeah but only if you get a dick ring too.’

 ‘You do know that you won’t be able to have sex for like a week after, right?’

 ‘Yeah but my arse is sore from the last hour already. Plus it feels nicer after with one or at least that’s what I’ve heard.’

 ‘I’m game if you are.’

 ‘Yeah. Claude says he wants one too. Seya in the high street in 15?’

 ‘Sounds good.’

 Eric shoved his phone back in his pocket. “What … was all that about?” Alan asked.

 “Oh jus’ tha’ usual. Me, Ronnie and Claude are gunna’ ge’ dick rings.”

 “How … nice.”

 The three men left the body piercing studio later, all extremely sore. Ronald and Eric had also had their nipples done, Claude sticking to just having his lower regions pierced. Alan however was quite happy with the bar sticking out of his lip.

\---

 Two days later, Eric returned to the living room, from washing up after dinner, to find Alan and Ronald watching television. He sat down next to Alan and saw that he was clinging onto Ronald’s t-shirt, the other teenager having an angry scowl on his face. “Is ever-.” Eric began, before the news broadcast caught his attention.

_A second man has been charged with the murders in West Bromwich, Yorkshire and Glasgow, alongside a Mr Jacob Black. Mr Joseph Conerly was arrested last month for the suspected murder and assault of a young male last year in Yorkshire. The following images may be distressing._

 A video recording of a room, with a large chair and chains flashed up on the screen. _This is the room where Joseph Conerly raped and tortured his victims. It is now known that similar acts were carried out at the home of Mr Black._ The broadcast carried on for a while longer, before a picture of a man flashed up on the screen.

 Alan gasped, his head pressing into Ronald’s shoulder. “That … was the man … who came to Jacob’s. Jacob said that … he had gotten rid of … other boys from his … house because they cost too much money … to feed. He … didn’t kick them out. He … murdered them.” His shaky breaths turned to sobs. “That … could have been me. That … chair … he … he.” He couldn’t finish that sentence, his voice being cut off by louder wails.

 Before Eric could say so, Ronald spoke on his behalf, holding Alan tightly. “Y’ don’t ‘ave ta’ worry ‘bout them anymore. They won’t hurt y’ again. No one will, me, Eric and Claude have got y’ back. We always will.”

 But it was too late, the mental damage had already been done.


	28. You can paper over the cracks but baby I'm broken.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this series was supposed to end happily on chapter 33. But noooo, someone had to change my mind. (I love you really ;) ) 
> 
> The third series to this will be up in maybe three chapters time.

 Alan ripped himself from Ronald's grip forcefully, shooting up from the sofa and shouting. "No! Why do I get to live, huh? Why ... out of all those people, am I the ... one to survive? I ... wish I had of died! Because ... my life has been ruined by them! By my dad, by ... everyone! They ruined me ... they made me dirty!" 

 "Al, calm down buddy, I-." Ronald began.

 "No! Just ... shut up! You ... don't understand, you never ... will!" With that, Alan ran from the room and Eric jumped up from the sofa to chase him, just as he opened the front door and ran outside.

 Eric caught up with him quickly, grabbing him by the jumper. "Al, wait a minute. Where do ya' think ya' goin?"

 "I don't know ... I don't care!"

 "Ya' really think I'm jus' gunna' let ya' run off and ge' ya'self hurt again?"

 "I don't care! They ... have ruined my life! All of them ... I can pretend to get better all I want but ... my past will catch up to me eventually. All ... the awful things they have ... done, that ... I've done." He began to sob again.

 Pulling him into a hug, Eric soothed his hair. "Ya' said it ya'self, babe. Leave tha' past in tha' past."

 "I can't. Don't ... you see, Eric? I ... try and I try ... to just ... move on but ... something will always ... come along to ... make the past feel ... real again. Be it ... flash backs ... or the voices ... or a fucking stupid news report. I can't ... escape from what ... I've done. I ... will always be a bad person and ... bad people get nothing but misery."

 "Stop it, Al. Ya' are not a bad person. Don't even go there. Ya' kind and sweet and absolutely beautiful."

 "No, I'm not! Why can't you ... see how awful I am? I'll never be able to get away ... from what I've done because ... I don't deserve to move on, I ... never have."

 Eric hugged him tighter. "No. You're tha' one who is blind ta' it all. Ta' how good a person ya' really are."

 "You're ... wrong!" He pulled away from Eric quickly, racing further down the street. He didn't stop until he hit the end of the second street and his breath became short.

 Eric caught up with him moments later, noticing how he was wheezing. "Al, is ya' asthma acting up?"

 "I ... don't care ... about that. Just ... leave me alone."

 "Where's ya' inhaler?" Eric began to panic, especially when Alan didn't answer, instead gasping more. Eric patted Alan's jean pockets, thinking it might be in there.

 Thankfully it was and he pulled it out, pulling the cap off of the inhaler quickly and pressing it to Alan's lips. "Open ya' mouth."

 Alan didn't, instead looking at him as his breath grew shakier. "Alan, open ya' fuckin' mouth! Ya' not dyin' on me today, ya' hear? Jus' open ya' mouth, so we can go home and talk 'bout this properly. Please!" He said at a fast pace, his panic increasing. "Ya' scarin' me!"

 Alan finally opened his mouth, letting Eric place the inhaler between his lips. After two puffs, his breath began to steady. "Better?"

 Alan shook his head, the tears still streaming down his face. "No. Nothing is better. Everything ... is just as ... awful as it has always been." His legs buckled and he fell to his knees. "Everything, it ... it's just ... beyond repair."

 Eric knelt down next to him, rubbing his back. "No, babe. Ya' said it ya'self, no matter how awful someone's past has been, they can still 'ave their happy endin'."

 Alan shook his head slowly. "Maybe I was ... wrong. I was wrong, Eric. Once a person ... is as filthy as me. You can ... paper over the cracks ... but that person ... will always be ... tainted and broken."


	29. Holding my sister beyond the grave.

 Eric had managed to calm Alan down when they had gotten back to the house. Later that night, Eric had fallen asleep but Alan was wide awake, thinking about everything that had happened with Joseph and Jacob. His mind then trailed back to his parents, to his sister lying dead in his arms.

_I'm such an awful person ... I caused all of my own suffering. If my family was still alive then ... none of this would have happened. No ... that's so selfish of me. If not me ... then someone else would have ended up at that house. Someone else ... would have been murdered._

 'You're finally right for a change, you are a selfish boy. Always have been. Thanks to you, I died, along with my wife and daughter. You caused all of that.'

 Alan turned away from Eric on the bed, curling himself into a ball. _Dad go ... away_.

 'Want to know what else you were right about?' _No! Leave me alone!_ 'You were right about being a bad person. You always will be. That's why you always get hurt. Bad people get nothing but misery, remember?'

  _Go away ... please._ 'Am I right?' A few tears slipped from Alan's eyes. _You're ... right, dad. I am ... a bad person._ 'And yet you make Eric suffer, being stuck at your side. Just as you made your family suffer. You know what you have to do.'

  _No! I ... I'll just fail anyway.. like last time._ 'Then do it right this time. No one will miss you. Maybe for a few days at most but then they will move on. Eric will find someone he deserves, instead of having to settle for some filthy whore like you. Ronald and Claude will find friends better than a feeble excuse like you. Grell and William won't have to look at your miserable face ever again. Sebastian and Adrian won't have to pretend to like you, neither will Alisha. Luna can be happy, without someone like you to make her miserable.

  _No_. "No? You think I am mistaken in this? Please do not tell me that anyone really wants you around. Just a burden, that's all you are.' _Don't say that! Just shut up! Just go away!_

 At that moment, Titan jumped onto the bed, pawing at Alan's head. Alan looked up, uncurling himself slightly, more tears leaking from his eyes. The pup whined, before lying down at Alan's side. The teenager snuggled into him, biting his lip to stop his sobs from waking Eric, as he cried silently, tears sliding down into Titan's fur.

  _A dog's love is said ... to be unconditional ... but how long until you ... are fed up of me too? How long ... before Eric gets upset ... and leaves me again? The voices ... are back and stronger than ever. I ... I can already feel myself beginning to crack._

\-----

***Two days later Eric's pov***

 Alan and Eric were baking a white chocolate brownie. "Hey, Al. Don't ya' want tha' mix?"

 "No ... thank you."

 "Are ya' okay?" He asked. He had noticed how Alan had seemed distant ever since the day the news broadcast had been viewed.

 "I'm fine ... Eric."

 "Alright ... ya' sure ya' don't want tha' brownie mix? Last chance, before I give it ta' tha' pot head in tha' living room." He joked.

 Alan banged his fists down against the kitchen counter. "I said ... that I don't want the fucking thing! How many more fucking times do I need to tell you?!"

 "Al-." _What the hell?_

 "Just shut up and fuck off!" Alan stood up, storming from the room.

 Ronald came in a few moments later. "Wha' tha' hell was tha' all 'bout?"

 Eric gulped and turned around the face him. "I think tha' he's ... been hearing voices again."

 "Really?"

 "Haven't ya' noticed how he's been actin' a little off since he saw tha' thing 'bout Jacob?"

 "Yeah ... kinda? But could somethin' so small really set him off like tha'?"

 Eric glared at him. "It's not small! Think 'bout it, Ronnie. Tha' bastard pretty much tortured him. Of course seein' his face again is gunna' 'ave an impact on him."

 "Shit ..."

\-----

 ***No Pov***

 Once storming upstairs, Alan entered the bedroom and slammed his fist against the wall. "Just fuck off! Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off!"

 'No can do, sorry. Filth like you don't get such luxury.'

 "Fuck you! Leave me alone!" Alan shouted, gritting his teeth together.

 He stood there, battling the voices in his head until the bedroom door was pushed open. "Al, ya' alright?"

 "Go away, Eric."

 "Never. I'm never leaving ya' side, remember?"

 "I said fuck off!"

 "Tha' voices are back, ain't they?" Eric asked, moving closer to Alan, who turned from the wall.

 "Go away!"

 "Answer me, Al." Eric said calmly. No good ever came from getting upset when Alan was like this.

 "They won't leave ... me alone."

 "They will soon, babe. Jus' like last time."

 "If I don't kill myself first." Alan said, bitterness laced in his voice. Eric moved forward more, about to pull Alan into a hug when a sharp punch landing on his jaw. "I said ... go away, Eric."

 Eric was taken aback for a moment, before he grabbed hold of Alan's shoulders and pulled him into a tight hug. "I'm not leaving ya', never will and ya' not gunna' die. Ya' not gunna' lose ta' them, 'cause ya' so much stronger than ya' think ya' are."

 Alan made no move to get away from him this time, his body beginning to tremble. "But I'm ... not strong. I can't beat them ... this time."

 "Ya' can." I 'ave faith in ya'. Ya' such a fighter, Al. Ya' always will be."

 Alan pressed his face into Eric's shirt, as he began to break down. This was the start of the largest mental breakdown of his life.


	30. Locked away in a daydream.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One last chapter left and then the second sequel. A surprise in store in the next chap, from Claude.

***Two days later. No Pov.***

 Eric walked into work Monday morning. Once putting his wallet in his locker, he headed to the stock room. He was on stocking up duty that day. "What happened to your face?" His work friend, Danielle asked, eyeing up the large bruises on Eric's cheek and chin. Everyone addressed her by her nickname, Doll.

 "Jus' got inta' a fight." Eric lied. He'd been on the receiving on of Alan's mood swings since they begun Saturday. So far he'd gotten a bruised face and rib as well as scratches to both of his arms, which were currently hidden by his long sleeved work shirt.

 "Well, I hope they came out worse than you. Someone really did a number on you."

 Eric flashed her a fake smile. "They really did."

\----

*** Back at the house.***

 Alan dropped his paint brush to the floor and screamed, hands holding the sides of his head, as his knees too hit the floor. "Ah! Go away! You're ... too fucking loud!"

 Ronald heard him shouting and rushed into the room. He knelt down in front of Alan, reaching to touch his shoulder. "Al, wha-."

 Alan pulled away from him. "Fuck off! Stop touching me!"

 "Huh? Stop touchin' y'?"

 "Leave me alone! Stop ... touching me there!"

 Ronald stared at him for a moment, before realising what Alan was shouting about. "Alan, it's me, Ronnie, okay? I ain't gunna' hurt y'." He moved to grab hold of Alan's shoulders, shaking him slightly. "Come on, buddy. Ya' at home, no-."

 "Get off of me!" Alan pulled back and lost balance, back hitting the floor. Ronald was pulled on top of him. "No ... don't hurt me!" He punched Ronald in the face and then aimed for a second hit, the first one causing blood to trickle from Ronald's nose.

 Ronald grabbed his arm quickly, before he could get hit again and then grabbed the other, pinning them at the sides of Alan's head. "Al, please jus' calm down."

 Alan writhed about from under him. "Get ... get-." He tried to yawk his arms from under Ronald's grip, before he stopped struggling and turned his face away from him. "Just ... please ... make it quick." He began to cry and Ronald let go of him, moving to sit at his side.

 Alan let out a loud sob, before scrambling to his feet and bolting up the stairs. Ronald tried to follow him, but the bedroom door was slammed and locked in his face.

 He explained what had happened to Eric, once he had returned home from work. "Shit. This is really bad. He was hallucinating yesterday too."

 Eric went up the stairs and managed to get Alan to open the door for him. He brunette stared back at him, wide eyed and pale, his small frame shaking visibly. "Eric ... make them ... stop. Please ... make them ... stop."

 Eric moved into the room and scooped him up, carrying him over to the bed. "I wish I could, babe but ya' tha' one who has ta' tell them to ge' lost."

 "I've tried ... but they won't listen."

 Eric sat down on the bed, resting Alan in his lap. "Jus' keep tryin'. I know ya' can do it, jus' like last time."

 Alan didn't reply, instead pressing his face into the crook of Eric's neck and crying more.

\---

*** Thursday Alan's pov***

 Alan lay on his bed around midday, while Eric was at work. He was exhausted, having only pretended to sleep since last Thursday, when the news channel had been on. He was staring up at the ceiling, when the room began to blur. When it cleared again, he wasn't in his house, but Jacob's. _W... what? No ... I can't be ... here._

 Joseph smirked down at him and his breath hitched, his whole body freezing in terror. _Please ... go away. Please ... don't hurt me ... anymore._ "Looks like they cleared me of all the charges and you're back where you belong."

 He felt rough hands on him and then pain shooting up his back. He whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut. _No! No ... it hurts. Please ... just ... make it stop._ The pain faded after a short while and he opened his eyes again, coming back to reality and finding that he was in his own bedroom.

 He let out a choked sob and tried to shift from the bed. Legs giving way under him, he fell to the floor, winding himself in the process. Another whimper left him, as he heard another voice. "So you're back again, Alan. I'm glad, you already have a few clients lined up." _No! I don't ... want to sleep ... with anymore men! I ... don't want them ... inside of me again. It's ... dirty ... so dirty._

 He backed himself up against the bed, knees drawing up into his chest. Jacob's voice continued to taunt him, before it all went quiet. Standing up shakily, he fumbled in the dressing table drawer and pulled out a pair of nail scissors.

 Without a second thought, he pulled his trousers down and dug the point into the skin of his thigh, a place that could be easily hidden. It was the only way that he could cope right now, without Eric being there to try to comfort him. _You won't ... be around for long ... anyway. The voices ... are right. They ... always were. They told me. They ... always said that they would never leave. Eric ... you were wrong, they ... never lie._

 The implement didn't cut him deep, barely drawing blood but the pain helped. For now, it was enough.

 The relief didn't last long as he heard more voices, of some of the regular man he had been abused by and of his dad. 'Why don't you do it properly and off yourself already, you pathetic brat.'

 'You're so dirty. Such filth.'

 'A little whore.'

 'Such a tart.'

  _I know ..._ Alan moved to the bathroom, running the shower. Undressing, he stepped into the cubicle and turned the water heat up to the highest setting, until it was so hot it was almost unbearable. He rested his forehead against the tiles, letting the water hit his back in painful cascades. It didn't scald him but turned the abused skin a bright red shade.

 After a while, he began to weep harshly, the sound being muffled by the flow, tears mixing with the water. _Even water this hot isn't enough ... to scrub me clean._


	31. You're in danger. We both are.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me like three hours to write and then edit and then edit some more. Sequel number two is now up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Pov for any of this chapter.  
> I'd also just like to point out that having psychosis does not always make a person prone to violent outbursts.

** Sunday night***  
 With a frustrated grunt, Claude rolled over in bed. "This is beginning to grate on my nerves."

 "What is, babe?"

 "The racket from their room." The couple could hear shouting coming from the bedroom down the hallway. However, Eric's voice couldn't be heard, as he was speaking calmly, trying to soothe Alan somewhat. "This has been going on for three nights now."

 "Alan's jus' struggling right now. It's not his fault."

 "It's a bloody nuisance."

 "Claude, is something tha' matter? Y' 'ave been proper cranky since Friday night."

 "No, it's nothing. I just want a good night's sleep is all or work will be unbearable."

 "It'll be alright in a few days, babe. I ... hope."

 "Yes I hope so too. I can see that it is causing you stress also."

 Ronald snuggled up to Claude. "Yeah. I jus' hope tha' he doesnt do somethin' stupid again."

 "As do I."

 Another shout was heard and then a crash, as a lamp was hurled across the room at Eric.

\-------

 Monday morning came and Eric stood in front of the mirror in his bedroom. Alan was lying on the bed, not uttering a word. With a sad sigh, he pulled off his bed shirt to reveal big bruises up his torso, smaller ones lining his arms. The lamp from the night before had hit him right in the stomach and he had fallen to his knees, before getting back up quickly to pull Alan into an embrace, before he had a chance to throw anything else at him.

 The few new scratches on his chin were earned, as Alan tried to push him away, swearing at him more. Eric hadn't budged, until Alan had calmed down fully.

 Being punched and kicked wasn't what was upsetting him. He knew that Alan couldn't help it. He was obviously not in touch with reality when he lashed out. Luna had told him so last year and she had seen how volatile Alan had been this passed week. She had messaged Eric, after seeing him calming Alan down, telling him that he was doing the right thing in not getting angry with him.

 No, it was something else that was troubling Eric. Alan's hallucinations were getting worse, to the point where Eric had had to hold him down against the bed, to prevent him from causing Eric any lasting damage. It hurt him having to do that, seeing Alan whimper and struggle against him, panic evident on his face. He didn't want to man handle him or be rough with him but he'd had no choice.

 Pulling his work shirt on, he sighed again. If Alan didn't start improving or in fact got any worse, he was scared that he would have to call an ambulance out for him. He was even more fearful that Alan would slip permanently away from him, into a prolonged state of psychosis.

\-----

*** 6.30pm that night.****

 Alan was currently having another episode. "Fuck off!" He shouted, picking up a knife from the kitchen counter and hurling it at Eric. It narrowly avoided his leg, as Eric dodged it.

 "Come on, Al. Calm down. It's jus' me, okay?"  
Plates were thrown his way next. "I love ya', babe."

 "Shut your trap!" More plates crashed to the ground and Eric took a few steps closer to him.

 A dish hit him in the stomach and he winced. Composing himself, he spoke again, keeping his voice level. "I love ya' so much."

 As Eric stood in front of him, the last dish slipped from Alan's grip. "Please ... be quiet."

 "Not when ya' so upset. I'm gunna' be here ta' talk ya' through it, okay? Until ya' start ta' feel better."

A few tears were shed, Alan's anger turning to sorrow. "But ... I never feel better. You ... won't want me soon. I ... don't mean to ... keep doing this ... to you. I ...I'm so sorry."

 Eric looked him in the eyes, before pulling out the necklace that he wore most days. "Do ya' remember this from not this Christmas but tha' one before?" Alan just eyed him and he continued, turning the half heart shaped piece of metal over and smiling at the writing. "It says together forever. I meant tha' when I brought ya' tha' other half. We will be together through thick and thin. I will always want ya', no matter wha'. No matter how many times ya' lash out at me, I will never leave ya'."

 "I don't ... even have my piece any more. Jacob ... took it from me and ... probably sold it." Alan averted his gaze.

 The blonde moved forward slightly, cupping his chin with his spare hand and looking into his eyes again. "Tha' doesn't matter. I'll buy ya' a new one." He paused for a moment, before speaking carefully. "And I know tha' ya' scared and confused right now. Tha' things don't seem ta' be makin' much sense for ya' at tha' moment. I know tha' ya' scared of tha' voices, scared tha' Jacob might come back and hurt ya'." Alan nodded a confirmation. "But we will ge' through this together. Things will ge' better because I'll help ya' through it. I'll always be here ta' support ya', no matter wha'. I don't need a necklace ta' prove tha' fact tha' nothin' is gunna' come between us this time. We will stay together, forever."

 He pulled him into a hug then, letting Alan sob and shake against his shoulder.

 A few moments later, Claude came into the kitchen, freezing in place and looking at the ground. "My ... China."

 Alan looked up at him, panic streaking across his face. "I'm ... so ... sorry, Claude. I didn't mean to-."

 The older man scowled at him. "How dare you! That China set was the only token I had of my late grandparents! Do you just enjoy destroying everything in your midst?!" He turned around and stormed back out of the room, passed a confused looking Ronald who had overheard his outburst and up the stairs, slamming the bedroom door behind him.

 Alan began to cry harder, the guilt eating him up. He really was a terrible human being, just as the voices had stated.

 ----

 Ronald rushed up the stairs and into his bedroom, thankful that Claude hadn't locked the door. "Wha' was tha' all 'bout?"

 Claude turned to face him, a look of blind rage on his face. "That boy destroyed the-."

 "Yeah, I heard all tha' but ... y' wouldn't normally ge' tha' pissed off 'bout somethin' like tha'. Y' know y'self tha' Alan can't help it."

 Claude sighed, uncurling the fists that were placed sharp against his sides. "Yes ... you are correct. I will speak to him in a respectful manner tomorow. I cannot tonight, I'm still too enraged."

 "But why are y' so angry? Y' been right cranky since Friday and why did y' ge' back home so late?"

 "It doesn't matter."

 "Don't gimme' tha'. We don't hide things from each other, remember? When I was in tha' hospital, y' told me tha' I could talk ta' y' 'bout anythin'. Tha' same does for y' too."

 "Do you really wish to know?" Ronald nodded and he continued. "Do you remember when I told you that I had commitment issues?"

 "Yeah, 'cause of y' ex. Wha' are y' gettin' at?"

 "Yes. That he hurt me quite badly."

 "Yeah?"

 "He was abusive, Ronald."

 Ronald stared at him. "Wha'? In wha' way?"

 "In every way possible. He put me in the hospital a few times. A broken rib, a few broken fingers and a fractured Tibia ."

 "Seriously? How? Y' can take care of y'self though. Y' beat Ciel up pretty good."

 "He is a maniac. I could not defend myself against him and his gang of thugs and not when he was wielding a crowbar."

 "Shit. So ... why is tha' upsettin' y' now? I'd never do anythin' like tha, y' know tha', right?'"

 To Ronald's surprise, Claude unbuttoned and opened his suit shirt, his chest and stomach being heavily bruised. "He came to see me today. I thought that a restraining order would keep him at bay but it obviously hasn't."

 "Wha' tha' fuck!? He did tha' ta' y'?!" Ronald rushed up to him and instead of hugging him, not wishing to cause him anymore pain, he grabbed Claude’s hand, holding it in his.

 "He did. Him and an acquaintance of his. That's why I was back late. I went to the police station."

 "But why did he ...?"

 "He approached me Friday. Tried to get me to come back to him. For obvious reasons, I refused."

 "Then why didn't y' tell me Friday?!" He asked, his voice beginning to rise.

 "Ronald-."

 "Why did y' hide tha' from me?!"

 "Because you are just a child!"

 Ronald huffed angrily. "I'm not jus' some kid, y' know. I've been through more shit than some people 'ave in a lifetime."

 "That is true ... all the more reason to not add to your worries."

 "Wha' worries? I'm angry but not worried. Y' went ta' tha' police. They can lock him up now, where he belongs.

 Claude sighed. "You still do not understand, do you?"

 "Huh? Understand wha'?"

 "That he is an extremely jealous individual. I'm scared of commitment because he came after Sebastian, when we first became an item. He tried to kill him."

 Ronald laughed, dropping Claude's hand. "Y' gotta' be kiddin' me, right? That's funny shit, babe."

 "Ronald! This is no joke. Ask Sebastian for yourself if you do not believe my words. Why do you think I smoke so much Marijuana? It's the only way to calm me because I'm always worried that he will come after me or the person I love."

 "Na. Even if all of tha' is true, I already told ya', tha' police will ge' him and lock him up."

 Claude shook his head. "And if that does not happen? And if he finds out where I now live? As he always does. He always finds me, no matter how many times I move residence. If that happens, you're in danger Ronald. We both are."

 Ronald froze on the spot, unable to grasp the information that Claude had just given him. Unable to speak a word, let alone reply with a full sentence.

\----

 Alan had been inconsolable that night, worried sick that Claude would never forgive him. Sobbing that he was an awful human being. By the morning, he had calmed down somewhat and Eric was about to head to work. As he moved to the hallway, he bent down to pet Titan. "Look after him today, okay boy?" The pup woofed a reply and Eric smiled, before leaving the house.

 He came back later and entered the living room. Ronald wasn't there and then he saw Titan running into the room, an object in his mouth. It was dropped at Eric's feet, the dog barking at him and he stared at it for a moment, not believing what he was seeing. He picked the item up by its handle, which was coated in slob; A large meat carving knife, caked thick in blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. Cliff hanger guys.
> 
> First chapter of part three.
> 
> [Elan sequel two chap one](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4767128/chapters/10901735)


End file.
